Tag Archives: menstruation

I Need to Share This With You

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Today I went and bought an emergency pack of tampons. My period came two days early. I was caught out, in the wilderness of metropolitan Sydney. I rushed into a pharmacy, grabbed a pack of tampons, went to the counter where a young male scanned my tampons. At the end of the transaction he asked me if I wanted a bag. I had my own bag and so responded with, “no thanks, I’m just going to stick them straight in.” That’s right. I said, about tampons, I’M JUST GOING TO STICK THEM STRAIGHT IN!!!!

The guy’s eyes widened in a disbelieving horror that you could see unfolding over and over again in his mind as the visuals became more and more graphic. I finally cottoned on and said, “in my own bag.” But it was too late, we all know it was too late. I will forever be the woman who overshared with the checkout guy at Chemist Works.
For the record, I meant STICK THEM IN MY BAG NOT RAM A WHOLE PACKET UP MY VAJAYJAY…. but I did indeed run straight to the toilet and stick one, SINGULAR tampon in.
I just needed to get that off my chest.

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Period Strike

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According to science I’ve already bled enough for my period so if it’s all the same can it be over now? I know I only woke up with them this morning but fair is fair and my diva measuring goblet never lies. I’ve had my 60-80ml that textbooks claim is normal so I’m out now. I’ve been really patient about getting three periods worth in my first two days and then still continuing on fo a few more days before my period actually ends but I’ve had enough. I’m 36, I’m too old for this shit.

Science, I give you this ultimatum, either you stop my period once your specified amount of blood loss is over OR you modify your clearly ridiculous figures that you pulled out of your obviale arse that didn’t want to be bothered actually researching such a ooooickyladpartsnooooo issue. Robin out.

Impractical Parenting: You know you’re a mother when…

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… this is considered not THAT messy.

… you run out of pads so use a nappy in the interim.

… you discover you haven’t actually run out of pads, you’re brain was just too fried to see them so now you’re a grown woman wearing an infant boy’s nappy for no reason.

… the idea of having a cocktail with the girls makes you so excited that you can’t sleep… for the entire month beforehand,  because that’s how far in advance you have to arrange things.

… you’ve forgotten how to go to the toilet unsupervised.

… a good day is when you get to brush your teeth.

… one spew on your top isn’t enough to make you change it.

… you enjoy snuggling in bed on your own even more than a university student.

… your food intake is even worse than a university student’s. It consists of half sucked on left overs.

…  the idea of giving yourself a timeout is appealing.

… having a headache is not an excuse,  it’s a way of life.

… the spirit is willing but the body is exhausted.

… your partner’s very presence infuriates you for no particular reason.

… you’re always hungry but never get food because your children steal it.

… you think it’s okay to sniff another human’s butt.

… you think of creating a blanket fort and hiding in it on a regular basis.

… chocolate is your bed fellow.

… you go to put laundry away, forget what you’re doing, go to make a cup of tea,  forget you made it, go to find clean clothes, can’t find them, then drink cold tea you have just discovered.

…. ask your 27 year old babysitter if she’s been taking her probiotics, because apparently everyone needs to be babied by you now… awkward.

… you have no desire to get out of your pajamas.

… a baby comes bursting out of your vagina, or in the cases like my twins thanks to an emergency c section, out of your stomach (alien style).