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Screen Time ABC, Season 1, Episode 5: #ABCScreenTime

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Screen Time is here and it is rated M. Can we expect some intimate countdown like they had in episode 1? Let’s find out.

 

Chris Taylor tells us that we’re discussing Detroit directed by Kathryn Bigalow and written by Mark Boal (they also teamed up on The Hurt Locker), Channel 7s Instant Hotel(but I don’t wanna talk about Instant Hotel), and a new form of reality television hailing from Norway called Slow TV (and I am here for this). His panelists tonight are Benjamin Law, Judith Lucy, Zan Rowe and of course Sami Shah (because they have trapped him there and will never let him leave).

 


They jump straight into discussing Detroit. Chris is pumped. He is using terms such as powerful and visceral. It’s set in 1967 and based around the uncontainable events that happened at the Algiers Hotel during the 12 Street Riot in Detroit. Read about the events here. White cops killing innocent black people is the summary. Chris says that it makes you angry because so little has changed. Zan adds that it doesn’t just make you angry but it also does a great job of making you scared.

 

Judith says that the stuff in the hotel was brilliant. She also says visceral. If you want a visceral film then go watch Detroit. She talks about how you could really feel for these innocent people, just wanting to be safe, and even having some fun, and then three of them end up dead because of police brutality. (Is it brutality or straight up murder? Do we need to sugar coat it?) BUT she felt that the end lagged. She’d be happy to cut the last 30 minutes. Says the court scene was unnecessary. Chris says it was necessary because people need to know that the white cops got away with murder. Judith says that there are other ways to show this without a full court scene.

 

Benjamin speakeths. He says he is ambivalent. Take that visceral, here’s some ambivalence. Benjamin indicates that it was traumatizing and fear inducing but he kind of got the point ten minutes in and then had emotional burnout and couldn’t be as emotionally present for the rest of the 90 minutes. He also didn’t like the way black people were reduced to victims and not full characters. Chris says that he feels that Benjamin is punishing Kathryn Bigalow for being too good at her craft. In case you have missed it, Chris really likes this film.

 

Sami says that Detroit is made for white people and not people ofcolour. He says that black people know this. Black people live this. This provides no new information for them. It provides no new rallying point. It provides no new understanding. Sami adds that he feels that it actually diminishes what people of colour experience because it almost makes it seem as if the racism is from a few bad individuals and that if you defeat them then it is over, whereas racism is deeply entrenched and systemic. He feels that it is almost portrayed as if the murders are horrific, and that Krauss is a terrible person, but the white people were just doing their job and that the ‘crazy’ black people were being ‘bad’ and overreacting and starting riots, when that reality is far from that. It allows white people to feel angry and scared of bad racists, but because they’re so individualised that white people get to see the racists as others when in fact racism is pervasive and part of white culture and something that needs tonbe dismantled not simply put in the box of ‘others’. Systematic abuse of power is the problem and that this belittles the experience of black people. Chris says that Sami saying that Bigalow is belittling the experience is belittling what Bigalow has done, and ‘even if’ Sami is right and that this film is just for white people, it is still valuable and important as it gives white people an experience to show them that they’ve been wrong. (Cringe.) Sami responds that if they don’t already know that racism is wrong then this film isn’t going to teach them that. (Sami is doing an amazing job of keeping his cool.)

Benjamin says that Bigalow is making us bear witness. And what she does in the hotel is amazing but then it flounders a bit. Sami says that the scope of the film being calledDetroit was too wide. He agrees, and the entire panel agrees, that the stuff in Algiers Hotel was incredible and that the focus should have been narrowed to that. Benjamin points out that this was a time and a city of radical protest and huge groundswell and this is not captured in the movie, for it to hold the title Detroit then it should capture this vibrant element.

 

Chris points out that Kathryn Bigalow is the only female to have won an Oscar for directing. Look, just in case you missed it, Chris fucking lovedDetroit.

 

Time for Not on My Watch, a little segment where Chris Taylor tells us about a shithouse show. This week’s show… Instant Hotel. I’ve seen an ad, which was enough to get a no from me. Some clips are shown, Chris calls it an Airbnb version of MKR. Lots of white people and crying over cars…. Sounds good? No. But it got greenlit by someone. What is going on at Channel 7? Not on Chris Taylor’s watch.

 

And now the moment I have been waiting for since the intro, SLOW TV!!!! I don’t really know how to explain this to you except to say you get to watch train tracks or a fire burning and it is very soothing. Chris is showing a clip of a train’s eye view of going along train tracks. It is the best. I could sit here for another 7 hours. But apparently it is not for everybody. Judith Lucy says that the ABC is not paying her enough money to watch this shit. She says that she is too close to death to waste her time. Zan defends Slow TV, says that it is a meditative experience. It so is.

 

Sami doesn’t watch train track Slow TV, he has something even better. Icebreaker Slow TV. A little something you can find for yourself on YouTube. Just ten hours of watching an Icebreaker stuck in ice somewhere in the Arctic. Not my thing, I prefer to have the vehicle’s view, not a view of the vehicle, but I suggest you give it a look.


https://youtu.be/gpW7iYfuGDU 

 

Chris says that SBS is producing Slow TV of the Ghan railway trip. I think I just did an excited wee!

 

And now it is time for some recommendations.

 

Judith: Quarry

 

Sami: Binging With Babish

 

Zan: Joan DidionThe Centre Will Not Hold

 

Ben: Bad Genius (Squeeeeeeee, I have seen this movie it is fantastic!)

 

And that’s a wrap. I have no idea what they’re discussing next week. Oooo the mystery. Go off and watch more TV, or YouTube, or a movie. Whatever floats your goat.

 

 

Catch up on past episodes on iView

Find Chris here

Find Sami here

Find Judith here

Find Benjamin here

Find Zan here

Find past recaps here

Get tickets to the studio record here

Buy my book here

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Screen Time ABC, Season 1, Episode 3: #ABCScreenTime

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Episode three is here. Get ready for discussions on Thor: Ragnarok and the revival of Curb Your Enthusiasm. But first Chris Taylor has to introduce his panel. Sophie Black and Sami Shah are back. They’re possibly never allowed to leave, they’ve been in all three episodes. Judith Lucy is making her second appearance. And Marc Fennell is making his first appearance. He giggles when Chris introduces him, we all fall in love instantly.

Chris says that before they get to Thor and Curb they have a more pressing issue to discuss. The Bachelorette final. He quips that millionaire winner of Sophie Monk’s heart, Stu, is the first person with money to be near Ten in months. It’s funny because it’s true. We get to see Jarrod looking sad because he was rejected and Stu making a bogan declaration of love. STRAYA!

Now onto the real stuff, not that I’m suggesting The Bachelorette isn’t 100% real. Chris introduces Thor: Ragnarok with a joke about red haired people, Ragnarok / Rangarok. NO! He says it’s the most enjoyable superhero film he has seen in years. I mean, it’s good and all… but has he seen Wonder Woman? I know DC and Marvel are different universes but he said superhero movie not MARVEL superhero movie so it’s fair game.

Marc agrees that it’s a good flick. Says some of the past Marvel films have been a bit samsies but this was fresher. He credits Taika Waititi with this direction.

Lucy did not like it. I repeat, did not like.

Sophie felt that it was pretty, pretty good, but that Waititi was lumped with the lamest superhero. Oh come on, there are way worse superheroes than Thor. Have you heard of Wonder Man? A faint green glow can be seen as Sami starts to Hulk up next to her. He tells her that he respects her right to have a wrong opinion, after all people didn’t appreciate Citizen Kane when it first came out. He says that Thor: Ragnarok is the Casablanca of our era. Again, has nobody here seen Wonder Woman?

Lucy, yet again interjects that she did not like it. Sophie says that Korg, the character Waititi played, needs his own film. Lucy agrees that he was the best part of the film. Everyone agrees that they loved him and he was the best.

Lucy then drops a bombshell. She suggests that comics are not for women. *Throws my comic book collection at the TV* Kidding, I’d never do that, it’d take too long and I might damage my precious.
Sami says that most of the people at the screening he was at were women and that comics are becoming less gendered. Lucy asks what the appeal of comics is for Sami, was he just a nerdy kid? My relationship with Lucy is moving from total hero worship to it’s complicated. Sami says, pretty much. He was a kid who was sick of getting pantsed and if he was the Hulk they wouldn’t be able to do it. He just wanted to be someone who kept their pants on, damn it! I know Hulk’s get torn and stuff but the idea is still beautiful.

Marc says that Marvel is unambitious about social commentary. Oh. My. God. Somebody drop Maria Lewis in here to sort this out.

 

There is so much about acceptance and struggle in Marvel comics. Marvel gave us the first black character who didn’t have black in their title, Storm. That’s pretty huge. Okay, he has mentioned that X-Men 2 actually did have depth, just feels some of the others are lacking buy mentions there is light and shade in the universe. I retract the SHUT YOUR MOUTH dispatch. Soz.

Meme of Maria Lewis courtesy of Alan Baxter

Chris asks why does Marvel have so many films coming out right now and why are they focused on overlaps instead of stand-alone hero movies? Sophie suggests that they have so many out because they do well because they are a global brand. Lots of Hollywood’s audience is now from outside of America and so they need stuff that isn’t quite so self-focused.

Everybody knows who Batman and Superman is. Sami also points out that it’s that way in the comics, duh. I yell at the TV screen, EVERYBODY LOVES CROSSOVERS YOU FOOLS!

At the end of the day, Thor: Ragnarok has Karl Urban in it, so I suggest everybody watches it.

Now it’s time for Take 5. They’ve moved it to the middle of the show and I like that. It fits better here. They’re doing 5 most regrettable Marvel superhero moments.
5. The Incredible Hulk 1988

4. Dr. Strange 1978

3. Spiderman 1978

2. The Fantastic Four 1994

1. Captain America 1979

Let’s be honest, those are not the most regrettable moments. They’re some funny older TV shows, there are far worse Marvel superhero moments on the screen. They are, however, hilarious.

Now it’s time for Curb Your Enthusiasm. Lucy says she used to love it, she bought the DVDs, but now she couldn’t care if Larry David lived or died. I get the impression that her enthusiasm has been curbed. Sophie says that it still has its moments but is a little dated and falls flat at times. Okay, maybe don’t curb your enthusiasm quite so much. Somebody show some enthusiasm.

Sami is bringing the enthusiasm. He is yet to be curbed. He says it is as funny and offensive as ever. Phew, I thought this was going to be a brutal slaughter.

Chris suggests that Larry David is rude but he is always right. People shouldn’t have too many samples, people shouldn’t have to say ‘sorry for your loss,’ after two years. Marc disagrees. Although sample abuse is deeply upsetting to his very soul, he does not always side with Larry.

Chris says that Curb Your Enthusiasm’s style was unique with its quirky music and shaky camera work. In fact the music has inspired a whole heap of YouTube clips where people put the music over the end of scenes. They put it over the end of a Star Wars clip. The bit where Darth reveals he is Luke’s father. It’s pretty, pretty good. But I really love this clip of Donald Trump’s voice being used for Darth Vader. I cry with laughter every time I watch it so I’m just going to use this as an excuse to leave it here, you’re welcome.


I’m not sure if my passion for Curb Your Enthusiasm has been reignited but my love of YouTube certainly has.

Now for the panelist recommendations of what we should be watching this week:
Marc recommends – The Good Place


Sophie recommends – Chewing Gum


Sami Recommends – Active Shooter


Judith recommends – Edge of the Bush


And what the deuce. Chris is recommending something. He never recommends anything. What is happening? He recommends Spartacus. They’re showing the clip of everyone standing up and saying ‘I’m Spartacus.’ So moving… Ohhhhhhh, they’re playing the Curb Your Enthusiasm music over it. Amusing. I’m amused.

And so that’s the end… Did they say what we’re watching next week? I must have missed it, too busy talking to my wine about my extensive knowledge of comic books and what I would have put in as the worst moments of superhero TV. I guess I’ll just make it up what was chosen. Damn me and my lack of paying attentioness! Errr… For the movie, Suburbicon. They went blockbuster this week, artsy the week before, why not a weird one next week? I think it might be too early for Murder on the Orient Express. Think the release date is the week after. But I could be mixed up. I’ll probably be watching My Little Pony because I promised my daughter, pray for me. As for the TV show, Ghosted. I have no reason why I have predicted it. None. Maybe because it’s Halloween today? Who knows? If they’re in reboot fever why not Will & Grace. I, love, that, show!

And they’re playing us out with a clip from The Bachelorette, it’s Jarrod’s rejection. Curb Your Enthusiasm music is being played over it and it is the best version yet. This is BRILLIANT! Champagne comedy. What a brilliant end.

For last week’s recap look here

Catch up on past episodes on iView here

Read why I think Stan Lee deserves a Nobel Prize in Literature here

Find out what Kerri Sackville says is the most realistic part of The Bachelorette here

Tweet with Sami Shah here

Tweet with Sophie Black here

Tweet with Marc Fennell here

Tweet with me here

Get tickets to the live recording here (they give you lollies, I repeat, they give you lollies)

Panic about NaNoWriMo everywhere.

Screen Time ABC, Season 1, Episode 2: #ABCScreenTime

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Screen Time ABC, Season 1, Episode 2: #ABCScreenTime

Panelists Sophie Black and Sami Shah

It’s time for episode two of Screen Time. The crowd is applauding, montages are flying, gorgeous 70s images and half-naked people can be seen. This isn’t just a convivial discussion of movies, it’s gritty and real. Nothing says that like nudity. Deal with it! 


Chris Taylor appears and is speaking but I cannot hear a word he says for there is an angel at his side. It is the one, the only, Judith Lucy. The crowd goes wild, and by the crowd, I mean myself and my amaretto sour. I cannot even begin to express how excited I am right now. Chris introduces the other panelists, Sami Shah is back, as is Sophie Black, along with first timers, JUDITH LUCY, and Michael Williams. I know that I have a nickname for him from my Book Club ABC recaps but for the life of me cannot remember what it is, so for now, it’ll just be Michael.

Small House Keeping Matter: I’m dyslexic. If you hate reading anything written by dyslexic writers you should probably just leave now. (The changing font sizes have nothing to do with my dyslexia and everything to do with my ineptitude. On my draft everything is uniform, I hit publish, CHAOS. Just treat it as a metaphor for existence.)

Chris tells us that we are getting straight to business. He’s pulling no punches and is going to the most pressing Hollywood news at the moment, Weinstei…. Oh, wait. My mistake. Got to eager. Chris plays a clip saying that Sex and the City 3 has been benched FOREVER.

Nobody seems too cut up about it.
Now they really are talking Weinstein. Harvey or Bob, take your pick. Chris asks the panelists if Hollywood should have seen this scandal coming. Judith gives a great big nope. Nope, they shouldn’t have seen it coming because they had been doing it for so long and nobody cared. Sophie agrees that the surprising and refreshing thing is that people finally care. Sophie says that it was an open secret. Wait, was that just a sneaky reference to the documentary that attempted to expose the rampant pedophilia in Hollywood? I think it was. Good work.

Chris points out the Meryl Streep was one of the first celebrities to condemn it but said many didn’t know of what was going on. On the other hand Anthony LaPaglia says, pigs arse. Okay, he didn’t literally say that, but he is Australian so I’d like to think that those were the words he thought. He says people have known about it for decades and done nothing. Michael says that the very least people can do is refuse to work with people that are, ‘criminal, depraved and monstrous.’ It’s a pretty low bar and everyone needs to step up to it.

Sami points out that he has worked in advertising, which means he understands all things depravity related, and that those behaviours are common there. But they are also common in the Australian media (I am waiting with baited breath to read Tracey Spicer’s article where she will name well known abusers), in accounting, and down at the corner shop. He says that society needs to step up, society is complicit, not just individuals.

Judith says that everyone needs to stand up. Quintin Tarantino has now spoken about it, but where was he before. Why wasn’t he demanding it stopped earlier? (Just quietly same with Kevin Smith? But maybe because men who didn’t come from fancy backgrounds were merely clinging on also. Maybe the dyslexic director who had trouble getting films made to begin with  felt like he couldn’t rock the boat, nor the dude who maxed out his credit cards to make his first movie….)

Sophie calls bullshit on all those men coming out saying that because they have a daughter they now understand. She says they shouldn’t care because they have a woman that belongs to them, but because women are people and deserving of respect. The fact that they only think of women’s rights in terms of if one has been formed from their sperm or not is a big part of the effing problem!!!!

Anyway, let’s get to discussing movies before I pass out in rage.
They’re discussing Good Time. Chris says that it is a heist film with Robert Pattinson playing the lead character who robs a bank along with his brother who has a generalised neurodevelopment disorder. Everything seems to be going too easily, they get the money without too much issue, but when they open up the bags to check for money…… BOOM, burning red paint everywhere. Kids at home, crime does not pay. Pattinson is then forced to get increasingly bad hair styles in order to free his brother.

Sami says that this movie is designed for arty types who wear clothes from the 1800s, have waxed moustaches, and laugh too loudly at bad jokes just to prove that they got them. He felt it could have benefited from adding some robots or spaceships. What film couldn’t be improved with just a smackle of sci fi? Sami, we have so much to discuss.

Michael disagrees. He says he liked Good Times and it had good stuff in it. Take that Sami, it had good stuff in it. A lot of good stuff. He speaks of cinematography and lighting. Excuse me whilst I pause the TV to see if there are any traces of a waxed moustache having been glued to Michael’s face recently…. Hmmmm, I can’t decide.

Judith says it was a nightmare. Sophie adds that the soundtrack was nightmare inducing.
Chris asks if this film will finally give Pattinson cred and drop him from the team idol list. Chris really liked Pattinson’s performance in this. Said he has never been so good. The other panelists answer, maybe. Judith says Orlando Bloom never lost his teen idol status, but it was because he didn’t make brave movie choices. I’m sure that swimming in an ocean of money earned from Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean has helped him come to terms with his choices. I quite enjoyed him in Ned Kelly.
So it looks like Good Times has been rated two nightmares, a good stuff, and a pickled moustache.

And now it is time for the middle of the show segment. Please be Sophie Monk again, pleasebesophiemonkpleasebesophiemonk. It is Not On My Watch.  Essentially Chris will tell us about a show he doesn’t like. Tonight’s pick is Cosmetic Coffee and it is on 7. Oh my goodness, it is hideous. Basically a cosmetic surgeon meets with patients in cafes, then goes back to his office making me wonder why he didn’t just start there, and then draws on them and lets them know what he finds gross about them, then he operates on them. So it is essentially advertising for his business. Chris finishes off the segment by saying advertorial dressed up as a medical show, not on my watch.
Whose watch did that happen on? Seriously! Who greenlit that?  I’ve got a show about a minotaur, a plucky journalist and hot cop uncovering the supernatural sex slave industry just waiting to be made. Call me. CALL MEEEEE! If you can make that shit, why not mine? Not that mine is shit. Mine is awesome and the best….

TV time!  Chris is introducing The Deuce currently playing on Foxtel. It is David Simon’s latest masterpiece. The montage is playing and it is high quality with a star studded cast. People such as James Franco and Maggie Gyllenhaal are in it. Chris says that Franco plays twins. And I’m laughing. I cannot stop laughing. Does anyone remember that Jean Claude Van Damme movie Double Impact?

It was so hilariously badgood. That’s all that I can think of right now. Hollywood, you know that you do actually have actors that are identical twins? You can stop doing the bad copying and disjointed back and forth. Just hire some of them. But enough about me, let’s see what the panel think.

Michael says he loves it. The cast is massive so rewards patience as it is revealed at a slow pace. Judith also loves David Simon and loved the show except for one tiny thing, James Franco. She also didn’t like James Franco as his twin, or as Judith puts it, the same person just wearing a hat. With or without a hat, she’s not interested.

Chris points out that Franco fans will get double their joy and then shows a clip. I’m guessing it is the worst example of his twin acting because I am rolling. Rolling. And yes, I am going to go there, as a mother of identical twin boys (I never thought I’d get to work an as a mother into a recap) this is hilarious. It’s the same guy. It’s the same guy with a different wig. It is not twins. Twins are not the same person. Identical twins are not the same person. If the great Jean Claude Van Damme, renowned across the land for his versatile acting skills could not pull this off…. Actually, now that I think about it I felt that Sam Underwood did a brilliant job plating identical twins in The Following. Such a hypocrite. I also loved the film Big Business which had two sets of twins. Bette Middler and Lily Tomlin were spectacular and I watched it seven billion times.

Michael of course loves it, because he has loved everything. What happened to Michael? He was the snarky one on The Book Club ABC, now he’s the lover? Showing his versatility, his softer side? I should appreciate it.

Don’t wink at me, Franco.

Sophie says she loves the show and she loves Simon because he is an angry patriot. He can give such loving yet searing critique of his country and society. Which is the perfect segue into talking about David Simon’s other work. Gotta hand it to Sophie, she’s profesh.
All the panelists agree that The Wire was fantastic. Sami ads that it is a take on Greek myths, where Gods play cruelly with the life of mortals. In The Wire corporations and powerful people are the Gods.

Chris asks why Simon’s other show, Treme, not take off. Sami says it is for two reasons. Firstly, too soon. It could never live up to the hype of The Wire because nothing could. Secondly, the focus was narrow. It was about jazz, and food, and what people perceived as things not pertinent to them, but he personally loved it.
The verdict is in, The Deuce is an absolute cracker and I want to watch it.

Time for Screen Time’s  Top Five. What will they be looking at this week? TWINS. Top five awfully portrayed identical twin kind of things.

Is nothing sacred?

Speaking of teen idols

This was bad

The king is dead

Knight Rider doing his thing

The list was good, but where the fuck was Double Impact???

And last but not least, the panelists get to recommend something for us to watch.
Michael: Sunshine

Sami: Patton Oswalt’s Annihilation

Sophie: Get Krack!n

Judith: I Love Dick

Robin: Screen Time (Okay, I’m not a panelist, but watch the show.)

And because we’ve all been so good, they’re going to show us a clip of David Hasselhoff fighting David Hasselhoff to end on. Because even David Hasselhoff wants to punch David Hasselhoff in the face.

Catch up on previous episodes on iView

Find Screen Time here

See last week’s recap here

Check out Chris here

Feast on Michael William’s glorious Ropinpedia entry here

Tweet with Sophie here

Buy Sami’s books here

Get tickets to Judith Lucy’s show here. Sydney based people can feel free to buy me a ticket too while you’re at it, I am delightful company.

Learn more about me here

Grab Tracey Spicer’s book here

Read Lauren Ingram’s piece on the issue with Weinstein and facing your abuser here

Read what Australian director Sophie Mathisen has to say about Weinstein and the Australian industry here

Bloody Bonza, Sheilas! #IWD2017

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Happy International Women’s Day 2017. Let’s celebrate by talking about some bloody, bonza sheilas. And for a rare change I won’t be mentioning Kate Forsyth on my list. In fact, I’m going to try to shake things up by mentioning people I haven’t really blogged about a lot before. Enjoy.

Lucy Lawless

I decided to start the entry with a New Zealander because us Ozzie’s are ALWAYS stealing stuff from our cousins from across the sea. I figured it was better to get the theft out of the way right at the start. So what makes Lucy Lawless so bloody bonza? Let’s start with Xena. I was 16 when Xena first graced my television. I had been a Hercules fan prior, I’m a mythology nerd and love action shows and movies. But then came Xena. She was so much more than any other character had ever been. Here was a powerful woman, with many skills, who never hid herself. She didn’t have a meek alter ego that she hid behind in order to fit in, she was just her. She was guilt ridden, she was seeking redemption, but she still never hid who she was. This was mind-blowing to me. And as a self loathing teen who had all their mirrors covered, this character was exactly what I needed. And Lucy Lawless played her to perfection. And then she continued on to play interesting and powerful women in other projects. I salute you Lucy Lawless, you helped save my sanity.

Magda Szubanski

You’re not Astraaaaayan if you don’t love Magda Szubanski. She has brought us so many important characters such as, Pixie-Anne, Chenille, and of course Sharon. Sharon is possibly one of the most bonza characters of all time. She loves netball, she’s a loyal friend, and she loves pashing sportsmen. Nothing more bonza then a good pash. On top of that she is a writer, an advocate, and someone who has shared their own struggles in order to help uplift and heal others. All the love to Ms Magda.

Miranda Tapsell

Okay, it’s a given that Miranda Tapsell is brilliantly talented. She can act, she can dance, she can sing. She has accolades for movies, television, and theatre alike. Modern, Shakespearean, comedy, drama, whatever, she can do it. But what makes her truly bonza is that she is on Play School. Bless her. She is my twin boys’ absolute favourite presenter and I can be guaranteed a cup of HOT tea when she is on as they sit spellbound. Thanks for being such a deadly sheila.

Candice Fox

Who is Candice Fox and what makes her so bonzaristic? Candice Fox is an internationally renowned author of Crime Fiction and protege of James Patterson. Despite this, she is not above admitting to crying in the face of rejection. At a Sydney crime event hosted by A.B. Patterson an audience member asked her how she dealt with rejection, her response was, “I cry.” She then went on to detail how she in fact cried so much in the face of rejection that she became known as the girl who cries amongst some editors. Talk about refreshing. She doesn’t pretend that rejection never bothered her, and that she’s so thick skinned she just kept going, she admitted that it did upset her. The realness is just so beautiful. Thanks for being such a bonza sheila, Candice Fox.

Judith Lucy

It is hard to find the right words to describe just how grouse Judith Lucy is. Rad? Amazballs? Brillhole? None of these seem to quite cut it. She is a comedian who keeps it completely real. She was my very first favourite comedian. And although Kitty Flanagan has caught my eye, Judith remains number 1 for me. She has a knack for phrasing things in such an understated way, yet ringing out every ounce of humour. I love her, I adore her, I worship her. I had hoped she was my long lost sister, but alas, nope. She is not my dad’s other daughter. So I’m still looking. But in the meantime I shall continue to enjoy her comedic ways.

Cass Moriarty

Cass Moriarty is an Australian writer who not only writes beautifully, you should read The Promise Seed, but also tirelessly advocates for other Australian writers. I honestly have no idea how she finds time to write because she is always putting up reviews of other authors and sharing their achievements. I assume there is some sort of dark magic at play, where she doesn’t need to sleep, but I am eternally grateful that she has chosen to use her powers for good instead of evil. You bloody ripper.

Nakkiah Lui

Passionate, eloquent, inspiring. These three words pretty much sum up Nakkiah Lui. I have had the great pleasure of hearing her speak at events quite a few times. I also stood behind her at a bar once, and freaked out and thought about throwing myself at her and telling her that I loved her, but managed to get some self control. The first time I heard her speak was at an Emerging Writers’ Festival Roadshow. She was so raw, and she swore and she wasn’t afraid to disagree with other panelists. I watched her in awe. I was so used to seeing panelists trying to be awfully polite, and just try to go along with everything, and if they disagreed do it with a compliment sandwich, but Nakkiah just spoke her mind. It is this realness that makes Nakkiah not just bloody bonzer, but deadly. Also, just quietly, she’s part of my current fav comedy show, Black Comedy. Check it out if you haven’t.

L.A. Larkin

Or Louisa as I call her. Louisa is this internationally recognized crime writer, who speaks to the little people such as myself. She’s just so generous and giving with her time and full of great advice. If you ever get a chance to go to any of her author talks or workshops, GO! She just has such an easy going nature, and a great sense of humour that you just enjoy sitting in her presence and learning. And the most bonza part of all is that she came to as an Australia as a backpacker just to drink and have an awesome time, rather than for self exploration or academic reasons. She also approves of having a quite sip of wine in order to silence the inner critic when writing. What a rad farken sheila.

Kirsty Mac

A comedian, a bonzer unit, a sayer of things. But not only that, she’s a person of extreme self control. You know what happened today, this very day of woomanhood? Kirsty Mac saw a hot piece of tail walking along the street as she was parked at the traffic lights. And you know what she did? Or should I say, she didn’t do? She showed almost superhuman restraint and didn’t scream out the window at him to compliment him and let him know just how fine he was and how much she admired his visage. Let’s all raise a glass to Kirsty, may we see her perform, may we become more like her, in her restrained, and humble manner.

Tania Chandler

Writer of crime, hard worker, sayer of amusing things. She takes the archetypes of crime and then shuffles them around so to put the women into the main roles. The male, hard-boiled cops, become the love interests, the femme-fatals become the main characters. Bloody bonza stuff. She doesn’t simply write the same stuff as many others. She takes conventions and then does her own thing. Bonza.

Penny Wong

Okay, I’m not the most political of mammals. I’m not a fan of torturing people, but I also don’t know much about economic growth, and geography… maths… anything more recent than medieval history… and many, many other things. But I know that I like the way Penny Wong handles herself. She’s had dick-heads make meow noises at her, wankers pull faces as she talks, mainsplainers and manspreaders trying to take up her hard fought for time and space, and somehow she powers on. She just gives that cold hard stare, keeps her voice on that even keel and just keeps pushing on forward. She’s a national treasure. A bloody, bonza, national treasure!

Denise Scott

A list of bloody, bonza sheilas would not be complete without the bloody, bonzaest, farken sheila of them all, Denise Scott. A woman who knows what a uterus is, a woman who knows what a double uterus is. A woman who knows how to done a leotard in seconds flat. A woman who has been a clown, a comedian, an actress, and a lover. Not my lover, but hey, I’m open to suggestions. She’s an iconic Australian comedian that pretty much every Ozzie recognises. She’s been in recent hits, such as Winners and Losers, as well as older hits, such as The Big Gig. You name it, she’s done it. Walked on stilts, check. Seen artwork of a smoking vagina, check. Had a shitty time in a maternity ward, check. Sworn at audience members, check. Run, terrified away from an angry mob, check. Drank all the wine, check. If anyone is a bloody, bonza sheila, it’s Denise Scott.

I would have loved to have written about more bloody, bonza sheilas but my kids are going apeshit so I have to go. Help me out by mentioning your favourite bloody, bonza sheilas in the comment section.

Read about more bonza sheilas here: https://riedstrap.wordpress.com/2016/10/21/20-real-life-wonder-women/

Denise Scott, Mother Bare: A Reflection Statement*

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Now when I go see a lady comedian I look for one thing,  and one thing alone, is there a lot of mention of vag. And I’m pleased to say Scotty not only delivered (oh yes, pun intended) but then gave even more. Some female comedians these days do a brief reference to the fanwah in order to tick off the stereotype but then move on to talking about other things like… I don’t know, not important things… cars or something? Not only did Scotty brush over the vajayjay she went deeper, much, much deeper.

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Yup, that’s right, Scotty went uterus deep. I don’t want to give away too much (“Spoilers Sweetie,” as the Whovians say) but her plunge into the female anatomy had one young gentleman so excited that he had to run out and Google prolapse before the show ended. He certainly looked far more satisfied when he returned so I can only imagine he found the answers he was looking forward.

I have to say that Scotty didn’t just inspire a love of learning in the runner but also in the young women in the audience. When asked what a bicornuate uterus was one young lass answered “like two,” following up with, “well, bi means two!”

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And of course it does. As an English teacher I can assure you her teacher would be proud. Very proud because knowing bi means two is one thing but knowing what cornuate (horn like) refers to is another level entirely. Have to admit I was picturing some sort of devil uterus with two horns, thank goodness I wasn’t asked because I can imagine that response would have opened up can of worms one show just couldn’t untangle.

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Cesareans,  episiotomies and bitches who get through birth with no vaginal woes also got a nod. So if you like your comedy vag focused, you’re in for a treat. I do, I’m not thinking of getting Judith Lucy’s signature on my pelvis for nothing.

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Apart from vages Scotty also told some stories of her early days doing stand up. I’m wondering if she is considering doing a “Where are they now” episode so that the rooster sucker can be heard over the voice over. “Suck my….” “Denise, do you remember this voice?” Oh my giddy aunt.

There were also some fantastic family stories that had us all rolling but again, Spoilers Sweetie. BUT I feel that I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that there are clown references and a photo is displayed at one point that is actually far creepier than the clown from Spawn. You have been warned.

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Highly recommend that you grab a ticket to one of the additional shows put on. It is seriously hilarious. Just do me a favour. Take a male with you. Preferably a male like my mate Pete who said to me, “The only thing I know about womb is it’s how you start to spell wombat and both are dirty, hairy and belong in the wild.”

* Why a reflection statement rather than a review?  Firstly, I’m not a reviewer so wouldn’t do reviewing justice. I mean I don’t even drink coffeeor smoke, which I’m told are the base level requirements. If they change the criteria to bitchy tea drinkers then I’m in. Secondly,  I’m going through my existential phase at the moment so relate everything back to my life these days. It’s been going for around 23 years now so I’m thinking I may be coming out of it soon.