Tag Archives: horror

I Need to Share This With You

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Today I went and bought an emergency pack of tampons. My period came two days early. I was caught out, in the wilderness of metropolitan Sydney. I rushed into a pharmacy, grabbed a pack of tampons, went to the counter where a young male scanned my tampons. At the end of the transaction he asked me if I wanted a bag. I had my own bag and so responded with, “no thanks, I’m just going to stick them straight in.” That’s right. I said, about tampons, I’M JUST GOING TO STICK THEM STRAIGHT IN!!!!

The guy’s eyes widened in a disbelieving horror that you could see unfolding over and over again in his mind as the visuals became more and more graphic. I finally cottoned on and said, “in my own bag.” But it was too late, we all know it was too late. I will forever be the woman who overshared with the checkout guy at Chemist Works.
For the record, I meant STICK THEM IN MY BAG NOT RAM A WHOLE PACKET UP MY VAJAYJAY…. but I did indeed run straight to the toilet and stick one, SINGULAR tampon in.
I just needed to get that off my chest.

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I Am Acutely Under Virginia Gay-ed

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Earlier this year was a golden age of Virginia Gay. Her show Winners and Losers was on and she was appearing regularly on ABC Book Club with Jennifer Byrne. It was brilliant. Not only did I get treated to her statuesque visage, but she also live tweeted the shows. It was magnifique. But now… well… now I live in a puss-ridden, toilet of a world, that does not have Virginia Gay on my television twice weekly. I’m not happy and expect this situation to be remedied immediately. And I have come up with the perfect solution to mine, and the rest of the viewing public’s, dilemma. The Tonight Show with Virginia Gay.

How has someone not thought of this before? A weekly night time talk show hosted by Virginia Gay. Somebody get me Russel Howcroft on the phone. She’s quick witted, very knowledgeable, has an excellent sense of timing, and a love of theatrics. Virginia Gay is your perfect variety show host. And yes, I definitely mean night time. I’m sick of this weird divide between genders with talk shows. The menz in the evening and the wominz during daytime. Enough of that… Although, I’m a mum so I like to go to bed early, so could late night please mean 9pm?

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And Russ, while I’ve got you here I’ve got another idea for a TV show, this one is more a dark fantasy/horror than talk show. It involves an intrepid reporter busting open the supernatural sex slave industry. Stay with me, don’t look away, Russ. Starts with the spunky lady reporter thinking she’s getting an exposé on the regular sex slave industry but whilst she’s undercover at a high class brothel she goes to place a bug under a bed and discovers a minotaur there. He begs her for help. She calls in a cop. Minotaur gets rescued. Reporter endevours to uncover the rest. Cop and minotaur likewise want in. Reporter’s boss says do what you like but you’re reporting it as “freak show sex ring” until there’s proof that they’re mythical creatures and not just deformed. The boss lady isn’t exactly the most PC person on the planet. I’ve got so much more to give Russel, so much more. Email me, robin.elizabee@gmail.com. We can even add in lots of sugar consumption, I watch Gruen, I’m on your side, buddy… and, I’m a redhead. You know what they say, “Always bet on red.”

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So please, TV execs, get me more Virginia Gay. Me AND the entire Australian viewing public is suffering right now. Help us help you. Give us Virginia Gay and we’ll pay attention to your advertisers.

… and seriously, Russel, call me.

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