Tag Archives: comedy

They Call it Chick Lit with Anita Heiss- @AnitaHeiss as the cool kids call her #writensw

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My first writing course of this year was with Dr Anita Heiss at the New South Wales Writers’ Centre and it was fantastic. The energy that she brings to a room is as impressive as her credentials. And with 12 books to her name and a PhD in Communications those credentials are pretty darned impressive.

But what am I thinking, if I have learned one thing from The Australians obituary for Colleen McCullough it’s that I should mention her appearance straight up. So forget about Dr Anita Heiss’s credentials for a moment, she has spectacular calves. I have to say the best calves I have seen on any lecturer. Now I don’t want other lecturers getting all uppity with me complaining about how this isn’t fair because I haven’t seen their calves because they always wear long trousers, because quite frankly I can only physically objectify what I can see. So if your calves are so magnificent then put on some shorts damn it and I’ll mention them next time, like all reputable journalists do. I also saw some rather impressive deltoid action as she hefted a sturdy table over head to set up her room. Oh yes, she set up her own room. She set up her own room in a killer pair of heels. Books, awards, PhD, internationally recognised and setting up her own room. Must admit I was slightly aghast and let out a little squeak, ‘Let me help you,’ but she was already pretty much done so all I did was pop two chairs out and put some props on tables.

As for the actual course. It was fun, it was informative and it was practical. Anita took us through her process for writing – synopsis, character profile, chapter break downs, research, writing, editing, and celebrating – and took us through activities for each. Well not the celebrating one, but Anita, should you ever like to have a vino, call me. I won’t go into detail for each one because… well… to be honest… that would kind of be cutting Anita’s grass. She is good enough to do talks and workshops for up and coming writers, giving back so to speak, so for maximum benefit you really need to attend in person.

Although I will not share all the ins and outs of Anita Heiss’s course I am willing to share the first 2,000 words of the project that I am currently working on. It is a first draft, and I must confess that I am one of those cheeky buggers that doesn’t edit until I’ve finished the complete first draft which won’t be until mid Feb, so there will be plenty of typos, spellos, grammos, wrongos and nonos. Just take your editing hat off, sit back, relax, and just enjoy the ride. We can spoon afterwards.

What happens in Book Club…

It was over. We all stared at each other in awkward silence. The dirty deed had been done, empty wine glasses sat on the dingy bar table between us and we did not quite know how to move forward from this point. There needed to be empty shot glasses lined up as far as the eye could see for the women in the book club to be able to meet each other’s gazes again.

‘I think now that Fifty Shades is done we should cleanse our loins with a classic of some sort,’ Selene finally broke the silence. She was the leader of our little book club. Bright red lipstick, slick black hair, if she would just wear a short black dress instead of business suits she would fit right in on the set of a Robert Palmer video.

‘I think about a year of strong women is in order’ Mac agreed vigorously. Her face was almost as red as her hair. She dabbed absentmindedly at a wine stain on the frilly long sleeved blouse she was favouring of late. It must be another pirate phase or failing that Shakespeare?

The rest of us still just stared at our hands too embarrassed to look at one another. Some had flicked through and only read the sexy bits, desperados; some had flicked past the sexy scenes, prudes; and others had stopped reading because the sentence structure made their brains hurt, snobs. Either way, Fifty Shades had stirred up something inside of us that nobody wanted to name or discuss. Our book club was usually so boisterous that we disturbed other patrons. Thank God we knew how to drink, otherwise we would have been far too much bother. Instead, we were welcomed each month. Well, at least our wallets were. However, that once a month shrill disturbance at the Longie had been practically a whisper this evening. We should have drunk more wine. All that was on the table between us was a few empty glasses and E. L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey standing erect, it almost seemed to glow and call out to people, ‘Look what these naughty girls have been reading.’

‘So Pride and Prejudice?’ Selene asked.

There was a general murmur of agreement before everyone but Selene, Mac and I fled the scene.

‘Well that was awkward,’ I finally found words.

‘No shit, Gwyn,’ Mac slumps back in her chair and drains the remains of her seventh wine glass.

‘What was up with you?’ Selene clearly does not have a bad case of loving me this evening. ‘We rely on you to say inappropriate things at poorly positioned moments to lighten the mood.’

‘I wasn’t feeling it today,’ I mumble. To be honest after reading about a lot of sex I didn’t want to talk about it, I just wanted to go out and have it. However, as a boring schoolteacher, reading about a bunch of erotic sex was about as close as I was going to come to… well… cumming.

‘I’m feeling something.’ Mac has managed to un-potato sack herself and is sitting bolt upright, breasts stuck out as if attempting to push their way out of her pirate shirt into her attended targets hands.

‘You were quiet tonight ladies,’ the barman flashes his perfectly white teeth at us. As he collects our glasses, he pushes a strand of blonde hair away from his eyes. His electric blue eyes run a warm current up my spine. ‘I missed your laugh red.’ Mac dissolves into giggles on the spot. ‘Yours too red.’ He is looking at me. I feel like I am being struck by lightning as he focuses the full force of his charisma on me.

‘She isn’t really a red head,’ Mac throws water on our moment and it fizzles out. ‘I am.’ Dear God, are her breasts growing.

‘I’m sure I’ll find out one day,’ he flirts back, then walks back to the bar leaving Mac with a wink to keep her warm.

‘He’s so hot,’ Mac swoons back into her chair hugging her wink to her chest.

‘He looks like a lost Hemsworth brother,’ I sigh.

‘Forget that!’ Evidently Selene is still not happy. ‘You better bring your A Grade Ditz routine next month. Those bitches rely on it to make them feel good about themselves.’

‘Sorry,’ I frown at my hands. Selene rolls her eyes. ‘I’m just horny,’ I confess.

‘We’re all bloody horny,’ Selene explodes. A silver fox businessman at the bar looks over at us. ‘Get a bloody vibrator.’ Hemsworth from behind the bar stifles a giggle. This is not my day. Selene sits for a while fuming until she finally calms down. ‘Sorry. I’m just frustrated. We’re only running this book club so that we can find out how women think and write a book for them but tonight we got nothing! How does that help me get published? I’m just so frustrated. I want to write Fantasy, but nobody wants to publish fairy stories, so we try to write something people want but the people aren’t speaking to us. It’s just… I mean… I’ve gotta head,’ she kisses Mac and I on the forehead and says, ’emails tomorrow girls,’ and then vanishes.

‘I’d like someone’s head,’ Mac drools. She has somehow managed to get her hands on her eighth glass of wine whilst Selene and I argued. It is going to be a long night.

*          *          *

‘Did Hemsworth see me throw up?’ Mac is looking at me with such pleading eyes as I strap her into her taxi that I find it within my heart to lie to her.

‘No.’

‘Did he see me trip over?’ Yes, it was at that point that he called you a cab.

‘No.’

‘Good.’ Mac smiles for a moment and then starts to cry. I smile sympathetically at the driver before standing up, closing the door, and rapping the taxi on the roof to let him know he is good to go.

I stand back, breathe in the fresh night air, and stretch out my neck after the strain of carrying Mac to the cab. I can’t be mad, half the time it’s me. The North Sydney Street is practically empty at this time of night. Wednesday nights are not known for their wildness in these parts. I am sure Coogee would be off the hook right now but it is nice and peaceful here. I need a taxi of my own but it could be a long while. A miracle, a yellow glowing beacon comes swinging around the corner like a golden gift from the Gods, hooray, I am saved from waiting for hours for cab never to arrive and eventually walk home. I go to put my arm out to wave the taxi down but I am beaten. The silver fox from the bar has just exited the bar and already has his arm out waving down the taxi. What an arse hole. The taxi pulls up and he opens the door then pauses and stares back at me. He has the most amazing blue eyes that I have ever seen, his perfect lips break into a grin and he calls out to me,

‘Care to share a cab?’

I do not know where he is going but I do know that this is probably my last chance for a cab and so going a few minutes out of my way to drop him off is probably worth it. Besides, there are worse ways to spend an extended cab ride than gazing at that perfect mouth. Then again, my mother did tell me not to get into cars with strangers. Well I guess that decided it then. I nod enthusiastically and charge forward.

*          *          *          *          *

I stare out at a sea of bored faces. Fifteen-year-old boys and girls sitting slumped in their chairs as if I am their cult leader and have just given them a spiked “communion.” Me teaching Geography is definitely one of the signs of the apocalypse so there is probably some truth to this metaphor.

‘I’m bored,’ whines a girl wearing more eyeliner on her melon than I actually own.

‘Well of course you’re bored,’ I respond with a sniff, ‘this is Geography, I’m not a miracle worker.’ The class giggles in response. Always a good idea to humour the teacher.

‘Seriously Miss, this is so stupid, when am I going to have to know about costal management?’ Eyeliner questions me with a pout from her highly glossed lips.

Mental note: bring sunglasses to class, gloss is back in, big time.

I try not to let out a sigh. I felt the same level of What the fuck is happening to our society? when I was asked why we had to study The Removalists last week, because apparently domestic violence just isn’t an issue anymore. I take a deep breath to calm myself so that I avoid giving an impassioned speech that will only proceed to alienate the student, a feat I did not manage last week, and proceed to attempt to meet her needs in a way meaningful to her.

‘Tell you what,’ I bargain, ‘we get through all our work for the week today and we can watch an interesting show instead of working on Friday.’ Ah, the evil genius of the teacher, using media and celebrities to make points that our lame selves cannot. They will get educated quite happily if I tell them they are not learning.

A general murmur of agreement comes from the class and the previously roofied class turns into a class on speed. It is my turn to slide down in my chair in a rohypnoled state. I stare at the clock. I have an important email date with the girls at 3:05pm. It is important, it is tradition… its habit. We always have an email catch-up at 3:05pm. It is the one thing I can rely on. I may spend my rent money on shoes, I might forget my own phone number, I might even forget I’m a non-smoker and have a few cheeky cigarettes on a big night out… okay, a few packs, BUT, I know that every weekday, like clockwork, I will have a flurry of emails from the girls at 3:05pm. Easy for me, it is the end of my school day, but how the girls manage to schedule it in everyday is a miracle to me. A miracle that I am not question. I am just thankful that my high flying Executive Assistant pal Selene and my Banker buddy Mac can make time for a cretin like me.

TICK

The minute hand moves from 3:03 to 3:04.

‘Okay guys, time to pack up.’

A flurry of noise and activity erupts that makes me believe that perhaps I have just announced the end of the world. This may explain why the students are constantly bringing stashes of food to class.

‘Remember to put your chairs up on the desks,’ I yell over the thundering storm.

‘Miss,’ a tall boy, I always have to remind to take his baseball hat off, complains as he does every single week, ‘No other teachers make us do this. It’s so Primary School.’

Ouch, the ultimate insult. Unfortunately, I happen to like cut and paste, and glitter.

‘Yes, and that’s why I’ve got the cleanest floors out of everyone,’ I dutifully give out my standard response. ‘If you make it easier for the cleaners, they’ll treat you right.’ I finish it off with a wink and the lanky boy blushes a bit. Oh dear, another one. I will have a week of being stalked followed by months of being called a lesbian. Oh what fun. I hope that he is more creative in his toilet graffiti than the last kid. A picture of a stick figure with enormous boobs with my name written next to it is just so last week.

The bell goes and without awaiting any instructions, the students run for the hills.

I open up my laptop. Our group email has already started.

Selene: How’d you end up?

Mac: Drunk, but thankfully managed not to embarrass myself and got home in one piece.

Selene: Sure you did.

Mac: Seriously I did. Ask Gwyn.

Me: I had sex.

Selene: We need to meet now.

Mac: What the fuck?

Mac: Bullshit!

Mac: You lie!

Mac: Yeah we need to meet.

Mac: The Usual?

Mac: Come on guys, you’re killing me. The Usual?

Mac: 5pm?

Mac: Guys!!!!!!!

Selene: Chill out Mac. It’s been like 5 fucking seconds, not everybody types as fast as you do.

Mac: Shut up mole.

Selene: Game on mole.

Me: You’re both moles. See you at 5:30pm.

Mac: Fine. 5:30pm. You better be on time.

Mac: None of this 154 minutes late shit.

Mac: *15 minutes

Mac: Any details to share in advance?

Mac: Who was it?

Mac: Did I speak to him?

Mac: Guys?

Selene: See you at 17:30.

Mac: You girls suck!

*          *          *          *          *

Anita does have some Chick Lit writing tips publically available on her website that you may find interesting https://anitaheiss.wordpress.com/2015/01/08/some-tips-for-writing-chick-lit/ I highly recommend reading them. But I also recommend going to her courses. She is so fresh and invigorating that you will come away inspired and ready to embark upon some new challenges.

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Memoir of a Teacher: Chapter 3 Eat, Comedy, Love

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I wish Daniele would kiss me.

Oh, but there are so many reasons why this would be a terrible idea. To begin with, I’ve just eaten a ton of garlic and—like most Italian guys he is a bit of a mummy’s boy. Sure he doesn’t live with her but she keeps his freezer stocked with home made meals and his nonna keeps his biscuit tin stocked with her special recipe ciambella. These facts alone make him an unlikely romantic partner for me, given that I am an independent woman who loves having her family safely tucked two hours away and likes shoes more than biscuits. Not to mention I’ve dated so many bums I’m feeling a little jaded. This bum upon bum avalanche has left me feeling sad and brittle and about seven-thousand years old. Purely as a matter of principle, I wouldn’t inflict my sorry, busted-up old self on the lovely, unsullied Daniele. Not to mention that I have finally arrived at that age where a woman starts to question whether the wisest way to spend your Saturday evenings is to promptly invite a man  into her bed. Even one who loves all the cult classic comedies as much as I do. This is why I have been alone for many months now… well mainly because I’ve been having too much fun just being free and drunkenly carousing with Mr Archer. This is why, in fact, I have decided to spend this entire year in celibacy. It’s always good to make vows, just to hear the sound of them shattering as you drop them, creating seven years of bad luck no doubt.

To which the savvy observer might inquire: “Then why did you move to Sydney? Everybody knowd Sydney men are desperate because Sydney woman are meant to be the least welcoming.”

To which I can only reply—especially when looking across the table at handsome Daniele—”For work you dumb arse. These shoes don’t pay for themselves!”

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Daniele is my Comedy Exchange Partner.  That doesn’t sound like an innuendo because un-fortunately it is not. All it really means is that we meet a few evenings a week here in his lounge room and watch Owen Wilson movies and the like. I always mix up the movie titles, and he is patient with me; he farts loudly, and I am patient with him. I found Daniele thanks to the Bank… no, not a money one, the bar. Ah alcohol,  you sassy wench, you have served me well.

Using my slurring, drunk, charisma I ask him, “Do you want to have my baby?”

Daniele responds “Even better. Twins!”

And so years later we now have an adorable girl plus equally adorable twin boys.

This chapter was of course based on the best selling “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. Read the real thing here:
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Eat-Pray-Love-by-Elizabeth-Gilbert

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Read chapter one of my #NaNoWriMo inspired memoir here:
https://riedstrap.wordpress.com/2014/10/31/memoir-of-a-teacher-a-red-hot-tip-for-nanowrimo/

Denise Scott, Mother Bare: A Reflection Statement*

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Now when I go see a lady comedian I look for one thing,  and one thing alone, is there a lot of mention of vag. And I’m pleased to say Scotty not only delivered (oh yes, pun intended) but then gave even more. Some female comedians these days do a brief reference to the fanwah in order to tick off the stereotype but then move on to talking about other things like… I don’t know, not important things… cars or something? Not only did Scotty brush over the vajayjay she went deeper, much, much deeper.

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Yup, that’s right, Scotty went uterus deep. I don’t want to give away too much (“Spoilers Sweetie,” as the Whovians say) but her plunge into the female anatomy had one young gentleman so excited that he had to run out and Google prolapse before the show ended. He certainly looked far more satisfied when he returned so I can only imagine he found the answers he was looking forward.

I have to say that Scotty didn’t just inspire a love of learning in the runner but also in the young women in the audience. When asked what a bicornuate uterus was one young lass answered “like two,” following up with, “well, bi means two!”

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And of course it does. As an English teacher I can assure you her teacher would be proud. Very proud because knowing bi means two is one thing but knowing what cornuate (horn like) refers to is another level entirely. Have to admit I was picturing some sort of devil uterus with two horns, thank goodness I wasn’t asked because I can imagine that response would have opened up can of worms one show just couldn’t untangle.

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Cesareans,  episiotomies and bitches who get through birth with no vaginal woes also got a nod. So if you like your comedy vag focused, you’re in for a treat. I do, I’m not thinking of getting Judith Lucy’s signature on my pelvis for nothing.

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Apart from vages Scotty also told some stories of her early days doing stand up. I’m wondering if she is considering doing a “Where are they now” episode so that the rooster sucker can be heard over the voice over. “Suck my….” “Denise, do you remember this voice?” Oh my giddy aunt.

There were also some fantastic family stories that had us all rolling but again, Spoilers Sweetie. BUT I feel that I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that there are clown references and a photo is displayed at one point that is actually far creepier than the clown from Spawn. You have been warned.

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Highly recommend that you grab a ticket to one of the additional shows put on. It is seriously hilarious. Just do me a favour. Take a male with you. Preferably a male like my mate Pete who said to me, “The only thing I know about womb is it’s how you start to spell wombat and both are dirty, hairy and belong in the wild.”

* Why a reflection statement rather than a review?  Firstly, I’m not a reviewer so wouldn’t do reviewing justice. I mean I don’t even drink coffeeor smoke, which I’m told are the base level requirements. If they change the criteria to bitchy tea drinkers then I’m in. Secondly,  I’m going through my existential phase at the moment so relate everything back to my life these days. It’s been going for around 23 years now so I’m thinking I may be coming out of it soon.

Geekdiac… Geekoscope… Speculadiac?

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April’s Geekdiac.

Drages (March 21- April 19)
You come across a rare treasure this month, a person, place or thing. Only one thing a reasonable Drages can do, drag it back to their cave and keep it there too themselves for evermore… until some filthy hobbit comes and takes it from you.

Lyconus (April 20- May 20)
Your sense of smell is heightened this week. Citrus flavours are driving you wild. Perhaps getting a lovely vase of limes is in order… or just tequila slammers, I don’t know you, you tell me.

Alienni (May 21- June 20)
You are as always stunningly beautiful this month. Always are, always will be. Just keep being adorable you and everyone will adore you. Please go take the time out of your busy schedule of being amazing to vote for either “Write or Wrong” or “Chloe Prime: Alien Space Vet” on http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/BAB2013

Sither (June 21- Jul 22)
You’re bowels aren’t quite up to scratch this month. Try regular viewing of “Doctor Who” in order to get things flowing again. A regular dose of The Doctor keeps the other doctors away. Seriously, it’s looking like a return to Sci Fi from a long stint in Magic Realism, you’ll love it!

Timeo (Jul 23- Aug 22)
Voting for “Write or Wrong” on http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/BAB2013 will fill you with a sense of karmic joy for this month. Just click the link, go to the W’s then vote for Write or Wong. Go on, you know you must. You’ll walk on a cloud of dreams and feel refreshed and fantastic. If you don’t you’ll have an unfortunate accident on the toilet. You’ll try to tell people about it but they’ll just laugh because it happened on a toilet. Do yourself a favour and vote.

Vampirgo (Aug 23- Sept 22)
Action, drama, passion. These are the things you crave, but do they crave you. Quite simply no. This is a month for quiet cuppas and making home-made jam. Trust me. Otherwise a giant Sith will jump out of your cupboard and swallow you whole. Going and clicking like on https://www.facebook.com/ChloePrimeAlienSpaceVet?ref=hl#!/ChloePrimeAlienSpaceVet should fulfil your new and exciting quota for the month. Seriously go like it.

Captaira (Sept 23- Oct 22)
You feel like you’re in a constant state of attack. Let your deflector shields down and breath in some fresh air. Rejoice and read The Chloe Prime Diaries (http://chloeprimealienspacevet.com) , that will fuel you with childlike wonder.

Ewokorio (Oct 23- Nov 21)
Who do we love? C3PO! Who don’t we love??? Well it’s time you focused on the positive and not the negative. Forget what you don’t love and make a collage of what you do! Seriously go make me a picture! I expect to see it posted by the end of the month!

Gallifrius (Nov 22- Dec21)
You’re feeling a little cursed this month. Cursed with good looks and charm. Yeah you are! Grrrrrr. Lucky you. Bring some of your luck to Chloe Prime: Alien Space Vet and vote for it here http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/BAB2013 PLEASE!!!!

Warricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)
Have you stocked up on knitted sweater vests? Maybe you should. They’re probably going to be coming in again. You can make them work.

Magus (Jan 20- Feb 18)
Dreams come and dreams go but for all of this what do we have to show? Dreaming of legends but living on lounges all the while your heart just flounders. Get up and do some squats. Clear that head with exercise.

Jedes (Feb 19- March 20)
The force is strong in you this month. Use it for good, not evil. No more Dutch-ovening people okay. I’m serious, it isn’t funny.

Doctor Who Episode Review: Rose

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Warning this review will spoil the episode so don’t read it.
Rose:
The opening was quite promising, reminded me a lot of “Spaceballs’ which we all know is a classic movie. Had a lovely image of Earth with a pretty blue atmospheric shield around it, much like Druidia. And don’t worry my friends because that’s not where the similarities ended. This episode did not disappoint on the slapstick comedy to satisfy Mel Brooks. After a rather mundane start with irritating music there was a scene where a plastic hand attacked The Doctor in the background whilst Rose prattled on in the foreground. It was a scene that even the staunchest “Three Stooges” fan could appreciate. Heck, even the anti-Rose quarter would have been laughing once the plastic hand leapt from The Doctor’s throat to grabbing Rose full on the face. This was followed up by Rose’s boyfriend Micky getting eaten by a bin and then turning into a very plasticy ken doll type creature that Rose failed to notice any changes in. My one year old was giggling like crazy when the wheelie bin attacked Micky so I can assure you that it was a superb piece of comedy. She’s one classy baby and she knows funny, and a man being attacked by a bin is funny. There was more comedy when KenMicky attacked The Doctor and Rose later on in a restaurant with KenMicky’s hand converted into some massive plastic spatula thing and The Doctor ripped off KenMicky’s head. Now it wasn’t all hilarity I am disappointed to tell you, it did come with some bits that didn’t quite gel, like The Doctor coming to terms with his hand movements and ears yet there being plenty of records of him as The Doctor (although fair to say those ears would take a lot of getting used to), and far too much running and hand holding, I got tired just watching it all. If I want to see something about hand holding and running I’ll see a Romantic Comedy. This was reinforced in the end with a slow motion run by Rose into the TARDIS. I get that the romantic idea was being established from the start but it was a little too much in the face with the close ups of hand holding. However, all in all it was an amusing little jaunt into Nu Who. Now please don’t complain as I did warn you not to read it!

Doctor Whodiac

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For those of you who love Timelords and need more out of your horoscopes. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Doctor-Who-Fans-Against-Bullying-Admins/261964893859032?ref=hl

WOBIN’S WHODIAC – November

 

Zomies (March 21- April 19)

You hear a rumour that the apocalypse is approaching. You start buying canned goods and large bags of ice to keep your milk cold. Your neighbours think you’re crazy but you’ll soon show them.

 

Chelomiaus (April 20- May 20)

Beans are not your friend this week. Gas is moving across Uranus so it’s best to stick to leafy greens and plenty of water.

 

Florani (May 21- June 20)

You can’t seem to escape politics. Every time you pick up a newspaper, magazine, turn on the radio or TV, politicians are banging on. They make no sense to you. You watch Terry Jones’s Brazil, it makes more sense.

 

Kletchoner (June 21- Jul 22)

You spend your time looking up comedy sketches of Doctor Who. Unfortunately every second clip you find is a dog licking its owner’s foot.

 

Apalapuciao (Jul 23- Aug 22)

You do some research on evolution. Hoping to track down exactly what point monkeys turned into apes. Sadly you find out that humans didn’t come from Neanderthals, we killed them.

 

Biblioso (Aug 23- Sept 22)

Avoid dairy products. You have a curdling touch this month so may find dairy to be quite upsetting on the tum tum.

 

Althracra (Sept 23- Oct 22)

You think about sending candid photos of yourself to the Moffinator in order to get on Who. Don’t do it, he’ll take out a restraining order.

 

 

Laborio (Oct 23- Nov 21)

You read that Disney bought Star Wars. You bitterly wish they’d buy Who so that you could go to Who Land. You read the Chloe Prime Diaries (http://chloeprimealienspacevet.com) and it refills you with childlike wonder.

 

Persisius (Nov 22- Dec21)

How many chucks would a wood chuck cuck? Who cares? It’s like forever until the Christmas special and you’re in a mood. Try candle making.

 

Mechunuscorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)

You think that your neighbour is Timelord so camp out and watch him all day long. You havecameras on him at all times and tap his phone. Knock knock knock. Who’s there? THE POLICE

 

Matravius (Jan 20- Feb 18)

You can’t stop thinking about cake. Your loved ones try to communicate with you but all you can think of is cake. Go on, have a slice of cake. What’s the worst that could happen?

 

Gallifres (Feb 19- March 20)

Your creative juices are flowing. You sign up for NaNoWriMo with the plan of writing Ewok/Doctor Who crossover fan fiction. Winners are grinners.

Star Wars Zodiac

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For those of you who love Star Wars yet feel horoscopes never truly meet you needs https://www.facebook.com/alderaanprincess?ref=hl

November Star Wardiac

 

Kessies (March 21- April 19)

You hear a rumour that Disney is planning on making a ton of Ewok spinoff movies. You assume that the apocalypse is approaching. You start buying canned goods and large bags of ice to keep your milk cold. Your neighbours think you’re crazy, but you’ll soon show them. You’ll show them all. Mwa ha ha ha ha.

 

Geonosus (April 20- May 20)

Beans are not your friend this week. Gas is moving across Uranus so it’s best to stick to leafy greens and plenty of water. Think, what would an Ewok eat? And then do the opposite.

 

Yavinni (May 21- June 20)

You can’t seem to escape politics. Every time you pick up a newspaper, magazine, turn on the radio or TV, politicians are banging on. They make no sense to you. You watch a fan piece on Jar Jar Binks and it makes more sense than the politics. Yikes

 

Utaper (June 21- Jul 22)

You spend your time looking up comedy sketches of Star Wars. Unfortunately every second clip you find is a dog licking its owner’s foot. Little bit disappointing as you were kind of hoping to “accidentally” stumble upon other material.

 

Hotho (Jul 23- Aug 22)

You do some research on evolution. Hoping to track down exactly what point monkeys turned into apes. Sadly you find out that humans didn’t come from Neanderthals, we killed them. You also discover that Yoda and Yogurt aren’t related.

 

Tatooino (Aug 23- Sept 22)

You watch episode IV over and over again and cry. Such genius, such execution, such script. Will this ever be recaptured again. You write a letter to Donald Duck outlining your concerns. You then read some adventures of Chloe Prime: Alien Space Vet (http://chloeprimealienspacevet.com) and that cheers you up no end.

 

Sullustra (Sept 23- Oct 22)

You think about sending candid photos of yourself to Mickey Mouse in order to get a part in the new Star Wars flic to be released in 2015. Don’t do it, he’ll take out a restraining order. He’s done it before and he’ll do it again. You don’t mess with Mickey!

 

Endorio (Oct 23- Nov 21)

You read that Disney bought Star Wars. You bitterly wish they’d buy your creative works so that you could spend your days rolling in cash like a fat cat.

 

Dagobahius (Nov 22- Dec21)

How many chucks would a wood chuck cuck? Who cares. It’s like forever until the 2015 when Episode VII comes out, and you’re in a mood. Try candle making or some pottery.

 

Corellicorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)

You think that your neighbour is holding Ewoks captive in their basement, so camp out and watch him all day long. You have cameras on him at all times and tap his phone. Knock knock knock. Who’s there? THE POLICE

 

Naboous (Jan 20- Feb 18)

You can’t stop thinking about cake. Your loved ones try to communicate with you but all you can think of is cake. You start shaping cake out of mashed potatoes. You watch Episode VI, Yoda looks delicious. Go on, have a slice of cake. What’s the worst that could happen?

 

Alderaanes (Feb 19- March 20)

Your creative juices are flowing. You sign up for NaNoWriMo with the plan of writing Star Wars/Timelord crossover fan fiction. Winners are grinners my friend. Winners are grinners.