So Here’s What Will Happen on #TheBachelorAU This Week

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Again, I’ve been carefully researching quality journalistic insights in The Bachelor and can predict with 100% accuracy what shall happen this week. Please note 100% may not mean what I think it means.

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1. Nina is now the “bitch” and so is Rachael… is her name Rachael? She’s got blonde hair and doesn’t want to play touch football. Regardless of her name, those pair are now the smelly pirate hookers of the show so one of them will leave, probably the anti-football one, because you can only let one “bitch” go at a time.

2. Sam “bones” Snez. And I don’t mean in the peenie way that most Australians use when they say bone. I mean in the way that only Eddie Maguire uses it, to totally blindside and then get rid of. Either that or Heather. It is someone he actually likes. I’m assuming he has developed a conscience about stringing along a single mum. Could be wrong.

3. Sam walks off. He pretends that it’s because he feels so much guilt over “boning” Snez/Heather (Sneather) but it’s really because he is not going to let that “bitch” Emily out do him. The show is called “The Bachelor” not “The Emily” and if anybody is going to have a Dynasty fabulous walk off it’ll damn well be him. His walk out will be so dramatic that nobody will ever even remember her walkout. Go get ’em tiger.

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4. Osher tells Sam to forget about those “bitches” and to pick him. Sam thinks about it. The producers freak out, what about the dress and jewellery sponsors, all this gets edited out and we never see it but we sense it. Somehow we still know it happened.

5. Lana gets pregnant, we don’t actually see that happening on screen either, but we sense it. We’ve all heard that the winner is now pregnant with seed of Sam, and she was spotted looking uncomfortable in a pair of pants that were a size to small, so yeah, they like totally bone. And I don’t mean in the Maguire sense of the word.

6. Rachael, is that her name, I feel like we already had a Rachael, eats the bananas in the house. The older chicks get pissed because those bananas are the closest thing they’ve had to the touch of a loving man since getting locked up. The bananas are not for eating! Rookie mistake. Keep away from the carrots also.

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