I like many women have watched the Stress Protect Antiperspirant ads with much envy. She’s so beautiful, happy, well dressed and organised. She looks like the type of mum who has time to brush her hair every single day. The kind of mum who goes to the toilet on her own. In short, a total mole that we’re all jealous of. Oh how I longed to be her. Now I know better. That bitch has got nothing.
This morning as I walked around Darling Harbour, with my twins in their pram and my three year old on my back in an ergo, dripping with sweat, I thought, “Screw you Nivea Stress Protect Woman, you’ve got nothing on me.” And honestly, she’s got nothing on any real mum. Sure she’s walking about looking all fresh faced and beautiful, but she’s doing it with ONE HAPPY KID, a phone and a bag of groceries, that’s it. Let’s see her do it with one angry kid, her work on the phone telling her that her miscarriage is inconvenient to them because now she won’t be on maternity leave (not that I’m bitter and still mad two years later… mofos), plus groceries in a broken bag, the toddler’s discarded shoes with a million other things the toddler has produced from seemingly nowhere, and a husband who turns up after the witching hour is over and is all like, “What’s your problem, kids are fun, it’s not work.” Now that’s when you need stress protection. I want to see a mum with messy hair, being yelled at by an army of hangry kids, on the verge of developing an eye twitch, and then someone walks up and says, “My goodness, you look atrocious but boy do you smell fresh, what deodorant are you using?” Not a mum on an easy day, a day when she’s returning home with her happy kid with the groceries whilst having a chat on the phone with a girlfriend to find her husband home from work early. Because that’s a good day, not a stress protection worthy day.
So in short, don’t be jealous of the stress protect mother because you’re amazing, we’re all amazing. She’s got nothing!