You read the title! STOP IT!! As a Spec Fic fan and writer I feel honour bound to stop all this troll shaming that has spread across our society like some sort of oozing pandemic. Every time a human is a bit of a wanker or a complete bastard they gets called a troll. Well, that’s just not cricket. And to be quite frank, it’s a damn elf conspiracy. Yup, elves. What a bunch of troll hating bastards. “Oh but they’re so magical and beautiful, they wouldn’t do such a thing.” To that I say “Pfffft.” There are many different kinds of trolls and they provide a valuable service to society but the elves don’t want you to know that. No, they’ve blackened the name of the noble troll so much that now the race of man thinks the word troll is synonymous with evil. So please, let me enlighten you about trollkind so that we may all have a better understanding of them and from that hopefully the gap between us can be “bridged.” I shall tell you about the most common types:
Very important guardians that provide a barrier between us and magical stuff that would make our heads explode. There is some stuff that the human mind isn’t complex enough to deal with, these guys put themselves on the line daily, miles from loved ones, just to keep us safe. They got a bad rep because they ate some goats. Well guess what, they’re not the only ones who eat goat. I’ve heard that with some lemon they’re quite delicious. And imagine if you were stuck on your own for months at a time eating only from ration packs… a bit of fresh meat trotting past…
Well we need caves right? Who do you think makes them? Cave trolls. In fact, before dwarves busted in on their territory, cave trolls used to do all the mining. Dwarves actually just use sites already dug out by cave trolls. You’ve got to watch those dwarves, they’ll steal your lunch and your land before you know it.
Good Luck Trolls
Rub these guys on the head and they’ll bring you good luck. Fairies don’t like these groovy little dudes because they can basically do everything a fairy does but without giving everyone around them craft herpes. And trust me, there is such a thing as too much glitter.
They are not bored teenagers or middle aged men dissatisfied with their lives, they’re actually very similar to bridge trolls. They guard the information highway to prevent us mere mortals stumbling upon cyber magics and secrets that would literally blow our mind. They’re the nicest guys you’ll ever meet. My mailer daemon, Brampton, introduced me to some cyber trolls a few weeks back and all they did was look up pics of goats and turn around lost searches. And for no thanks. The cyber elves want us to hate the trolls because they want us to access forbidden content. They want us gone. The elves see us as a plague to be eradicated.
Please don’t believe the rhetoric. You know what happens if you let the glitterrazzo get hold of mythological creatures, sparkling vampires. Trolls are our friends, not our foes, so please no more troll shaming.