Star Wars Zodiac


For those of you who love Star Wars yet feel horoscopes never truly meet you needs

November Star Wardiac


Kessies (March 21- April 19)

You hear a rumour that Disney is planning on making a ton of Ewok spinoff movies. You assume that the apocalypse is approaching. You start buying canned goods and large bags of ice to keep your milk cold. Your neighbours think you’re crazy, but you’ll soon show them. You’ll show them all. Mwa ha ha ha ha.


Geonosus (April 20- May 20)

Beans are not your friend this week. Gas is moving across Uranus so it’s best to stick to leafy greens and plenty of water. Think, what would an Ewok eat? And then do the opposite.


Yavinni (May 21- June 20)

You can’t seem to escape politics. Every time you pick up a newspaper, magazine, turn on the radio or TV, politicians are banging on. They make no sense to you. You watch a fan piece on Jar Jar Binks and it makes more sense than the politics. Yikes


Utaper (June 21- Jul 22)

You spend your time looking up comedy sketches of Star Wars. Unfortunately every second clip you find is a dog licking its owner’s foot. Little bit disappointing as you were kind of hoping to “accidentally” stumble upon other material.


Hotho (Jul 23- Aug 22)

You do some research on evolution. Hoping to track down exactly what point monkeys turned into apes. Sadly you find out that humans didn’t come from Neanderthals, we killed them. You also discover that Yoda and Yogurt aren’t related.


Tatooino (Aug 23- Sept 22)

You watch episode IV over and over again and cry. Such genius, such execution, such script. Will this ever be recaptured again. You write a letter to Donald Duck outlining your concerns. You then read some adventures of Chloe Prime: Alien Space Vet ( and that cheers you up no end.


Sullustra (Sept 23- Oct 22)

You think about sending candid photos of yourself to Mickey Mouse in order to get a part in the new Star Wars flic to be released in 2015. Don’t do it, he’ll take out a restraining order. He’s done it before and he’ll do it again. You don’t mess with Mickey!


Endorio (Oct 23- Nov 21)

You read that Disney bought Star Wars. You bitterly wish they’d buy your creative works so that you could spend your days rolling in cash like a fat cat.


Dagobahius (Nov 22- Dec21)

How many chucks would a wood chuck cuck? Who cares. It’s like forever until the 2015 when Episode VII comes out, and you’re in a mood. Try candle making or some pottery.


Corellicorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)

You think that your neighbour is holding Ewoks captive in their basement, so camp out and watch him all day long. You have cameras on him at all times and tap his phone. Knock knock knock. Who’s there? THE POLICE


Naboous (Jan 20- Feb 18)

You can’t stop thinking about cake. Your loved ones try to communicate with you but all you can think of is cake. You start shaping cake out of mashed potatoes. You watch Episode VI, Yoda looks delicious. Go on, have a slice of cake. What’s the worst that could happen?


Alderaanes (Feb 19- March 20)

Your creative juices are flowing. You sign up for NaNoWriMo with the plan of writing Star Wars/Timelord crossover fan fiction. Winners are grinners my friend. Winners are grinners.

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