So Here’s What Will Happen on #TheBachelorAU This Week

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Again, I’ve been carefully researching quality journalistic insights in The Bachelor and can predict with 100% accuracy what shall happen this week. Please note 100% may not mean what I think it means.

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1. Nina is now the “bitch” and so is Rachael… is her name Rachael? She’s got blonde hair and doesn’t want to play touch football. Regardless of her name, those pair are now the smelly pirate hookers of the show so one of them will leave, probably the anti-football one, because you can only let one “bitch” go at a time.

2. Sam “bones” Snez. And I don’t mean in the peenie way that most Australians use when they say bone. I mean in the way that only Eddie Maguire uses it, to totally blindside and then get rid of. Either that or Heather. It is someone he actually likes. I’m assuming he has developed a conscience about stringing along a single mum. Could be wrong.

3. Sam walks off. He pretends that it’s because he feels so much guilt over “boning” Snez/Heather (Sneather) but it’s really because he is not going to let that “bitch” Emily out do him. The show is called “The Bachelor” not “The Emily” and if anybody is going to have a Dynasty fabulous walk off it’ll damn well be him. His walk out will be so dramatic that nobody will ever even remember her walkout. Go get ’em tiger.

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4. Osher tells Sam to forget about those “bitches” and to pick him. Sam thinks about it. The producers freak out, what about the dress and jewellery sponsors, all this gets edited out and we never see it but we sense it. Somehow we still know it happened.

5. Lana gets pregnant, we don’t actually see that happening on screen either, but we sense it. We’ve all heard that the winner is now pregnant with seed of Sam, and she was spotted looking uncomfortable in a pair of pants that were a size to small, so yeah, they like totally bone. And I don’t mean in the Maguire sense of the word.

6. Rachael, is that her name, I feel like we already had a Rachael, eats the bananas in the house. The older chicks get pissed because those bananas are the closest thing they’ve had to the touch of a loving man since getting locked up. The bananas are not for eating! Rookie mistake. Keep away from the carrots also.

#CBCA2015 Celebrating Children’s Book Council of Australia Book Week 2015 – Chloe Prime : Alien Space Vet, Chapter Two #BookWeek

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This week was Children’s Book Council of Australia’s Book Week. In celebration of this wonderful event, that helps bring the spirit of fandom to children’s reading, I am going to pop up chapter 2 of Chloe Prime: Alien Space Vet. Chapter 1 is HERE for people that have missed it. Enjoy, and I hope you enjoyed all the celebrations around Book Week that took place.

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Chapter Two: Greedy Goldfish

The next morning Chloe lay in her backyard pulling faces at her reflection in her fishpond. Meanwhile her mother rushed about inside the house getting Chloe’s things ready for school. Chloe enjoyed listening to the gentle trickle of water running through her backyard and the feel of the soft blue-green grass on her stomach. She reached out her hand and gently ran it through the cool water, carefully not to scare the fish. Chloe laughed at her funny faces as she waited for the fish to surface for their feed. One fish nearly leapt out of the water in fright as it came up for air to the sight of Chloe flaring her nostrils and pulling her lips back over her gums. Chloe giggled excitedly at the response and kicked her legs up behind her; her metallic leg braces glinted in the sunlight.

Leg braces might have slowed some children down but not Chloe Prime. She had been born with hip dysphasia which meant that her hip sockets were out of phase with her legs and had not formed properly. Despite the braces, Chloe was an utter tear about. She could often be seen leaping about her backyard playing ‘Super Ninja Rabbeets’ with her best friend, the amazing Hippopotati, Joshua Suza.

Chloe stood up and moved around the fishpond that she loved scouting for fish. She followed the small stream that sprang from the pond winding its way around the lush green yard. Chloe stopped and flopped down on one of the two small bridges that crossed the stream. She reached out her hand and softly parted the ferns that grew around the water, peeking in carefully to check for fish. She was hoping to be able to hand feed a few of her favourite fish friends before heading off to school.

“Chloe…” A voice drifted out to the yard disrupting Chloe’s face pulling. “Have you fed the fish yet?”

“In a minute Mum.” The little girl called back, quickly rushing back to the pond.

“You’ll be late for school. You better get a wriggle on.”

Chloe wriggled cheekily on the spot and then grabbed a tiny cube of bread from a basket beside her. She hovered the cube over the water and waited. Pretty soon a large bright orange fish broke the surface, mouth eagerly open. Chloe gently popped a piece of bread in the gapping gob and watched the fish duck back under the surface. She repeated this process for a few minutes with fish of a variety of bright oranges and pearl white, and any splotchy combination of the two colours.

“Chloe.” Mum’s voice cut through the quiet garden again. “Hurry up Sweetie. I’ve packed your bag, and the school shuttle will be here soon.”

“Two more minutes Mum.” Chloe called back.

Chloe kept emptying her bread basket into the pond. SPLASH! All of a sudden a big greedy fish leapt from the surface and tried to snatch a piece of bread from another fish. Chloe gasped in shock.

‘No, no, no! Naughty Glen,’ Chloe scolded the silly, snatching fish. ‘You know you can’t have bread. It makes your tummy sad. You don’t want to have a sad tummy do you?’

Glen’s guilty gills could be seen skulking below the surface, and he looked pleadingly at Chloe with his big, sad, googly eyes.

‘Don’t pout Greedy Glen,’ Chloe said. ‘I’ve brought rice crackers for you.’

This cheered glum Glen up no end, and he did a little fishy dance flicking his tail in excitement. He positively leapt for the rice crackers and gobbled them all up. Poor Glen could not have gluten without getting a big, bloated belly. It was very unfortunate for a bread loving goldfish. Luckily for Glen he was owned by Chloe Prime who had always been very good with animals. She just seemed to understand them. Glen had been her first patient and possibly most difficult patient. You see Glen was a bit of a glutton and he loved gluten so he was not exactly forthcoming with telling Chloe his issues. So Chloe was forced to use scientific methods in order to help gluttonous Glen. As she fed her fish each morning Chloe had noticed that Glen always got sick shortly thereafter. As he always got sick after food she believed that it must be the food. So Chloe scientifically tested out different fish foods until she discovered that Glen would swell up with any foods containing gluten but was fine when given rice or oats. As a result of Chloe’s careful testing Glen remained a happy and healthy fish some seven years later.

Fortunately future patients were a little more forth coming with information. Dogs would walk past complaining that they itched. Cats would wonder by wanting more water. Frogs would hippedy hop along saying they wanted a friend. Chloe would dutifully pass on this message to their owners. But despite Chloe’s expertise with animals there was one little hiccough. Try as she might she could never quite seem to understand insects. Each morning when she finished feeding her fish she would sit, cross legged with her eyes closed, trying to hear what the insects had to say to her. Sometimes she thought she could almost hear their words but she never could quite work out exactly what was being said. And so Chloe Prime sat, crossed legged listening for a message, on that very morning.

‘Chloe Prime,’ Mum’s voice cut through Chloe’s concentration. It was clear from Mum’s tone that she meant business. ‘I can hear the shuttle, you better come now.’

Somehow Mum could always hear the shuttle a good five minutes before it came. She seemed to have supersonic hearing. Mum could hear all manner of things, there was no keeping secrets of any kind with Mum around. Chloe scrunched up her little nose and twisted her lips, annoyed to be interrupted before she could hear anything. She quickly tossed another handful of bread into the goldfish pond and rushed inside calling goodbye to her fish friends. She really did not want to be late for her first day at school and miss out on any potential exploits.

Chloe Prime was an adventurer to the core. She was only ten but exploration was in her blood and adventure was in her bones. Chloe was related to the late and great Sir Giovanni Colompedia. One of the greatest explorers that the galaxy had ever known, he had travelled the universe in the twenty third century. Colompedia had discovered many new sights; including the very planet that Chloe lived on now. The adventurous Miss Prime was ready for New Earth Beta Campus but was it ready for her?

The inside of Chloe’s home was quite different from the outside. The outside was all lush green trees and ferns mixed with the gentle sound of trickling water. There was a constant gentle hum of insects and the popping noises of air bubbles reaching the surface of the water. The air was cool and crisp and tasted of fresh moisture. Chloe dearly loved her backyard but she also loved the inside of her house. It was white and clean yet still homey and always smelt of something being freshly baked. Chloe ran into her huge kitchen where she found Mum waiting for her, school bag in hand.

‘Can I smell double jam space biscuits?’

‘Already in your lunchbox,’ Mum replied, helping Chloe put on her school bag.

‘Have you packed enough for Joshua?’

‘Of course,’ Mum smiled.

‘What’s for lunch?’ Food was very important to Chloe.

‘You’ll have to wait and see,’ Her mum gently replied, taking Chloe by the hand to walk outside.

Chloe was serious about food and she was serious about flavour. She always loved to try the different things her mum made. Some kids always bought food from the school lunchroom but not Chloe. She always brought something fresh from home. The rich mineral soil of Giovanus meant that all of Earth’s food could be grown along with new delicious alien foods. Chloe felt her mother was aiming to become an expert in it all. Chloe did not know what kind of food she liked best. She enjoyed tucking into an Earthly lasagne as much as snacking on Neptunian urchin fruit. All Chloe really knew was that she was assured of a good lunch today. And to be perfectly honest, does anything else really matter?

My Predictions for #TheBachelorAU This Week

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After carefully sorting through the “leaked” information for The Bachelor Australia for this week I am pretty confident that I can predict the events of what we shall see this week.

1. Rebecca tells Nina she is surprised that Sam is with someone of her size. This is very obviously calling Nina fat, Nina explodes, Rebecca plays the victim pretending she wasn’t saying that but she so totally was. Rebecca then leaves the house pretending she’s a victim when she was a straight up bitch and should not have said it.

2. Emily gets put in the bottom two with Nina and walks out claiming she can’t be in the bottom with such a crazy psycho, code for: I can’t be in the bottom because I’m just so pretty. Crazy psycho being code for: we bitches don’t like it when our victims stand up for themselves. There’s a storm out, Sam thinks, yeah but nah, I won’t chase that. Emily leaves.

3. There will also be intruders and shit.

4. Everybody gets pregnant… yet they were all pregnant before the show started, so now they’re all double pregnant. I’m looking forward to triple pregnant.

5. Aliens? I dunno, I zoned out part way through my “research.”

You’re welcome Earth.

Now let’s see how close I am.

9 Signs That You Are An #assholeparent

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1. You didn’t let your kid have chocolate for breakfast… even though they NEEDED it.

2. You think treats are a sometimes occurrence not tridaily.

3. You make you kids wear clothes when they go out.

4. You won’t let them wear shoes whilst jumping on the bed.

5. You ask them not to jump on the bed.

6. You fail to realize that Smarties are part of every meal. They’ve got all the colours, duh!

7. You won’t let your children sit on the second story window ledge.

8. You make your kids wear a seat belt.

9. You go to the toilet sometimes. That’s not cool, you should be delivering party central at ALL times.

What Happens in Book Club: Saucy, sexy, and so much fun!

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What Happens in Book Club: Saucy, sexy, and so much fun!

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Another great review of ‘What Happens in Book Club…’

Originally posted on Cait Gordon, Imma Wryter:

This spring I joined a Facebook group called Fifty Shades of Geek, which is such an awesome collection of enthusiastic folks. We’re pretty much allowed to go nerdy on anything. It’s very inclusive.

What+Happens+in+Book+Club...-+E1+(It's+Not+Me;+It's+You)One of the admins of the group, Robin Elizabeth, is an indie writer. I just finished Episode 1 and Episode 2 of her novellas, What Happens in Book Club… I affectionately nickname them the Australian Bridget Jones’s Dairies. They tell the story of Gwyn, a high school teacher who with her besties, Selena and Mac, belong to a monthly book club that takes place in a local pub. They’ve just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey and are trying to disinfect themselves with classics for the next year. Should be safe, right?

Except Gwyn’s finding her sex life is becoming a blur between fact and fiction, as she unwittingly chooses partners who mirror characters in…

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Woman Screams at Stranger’s Baby; Social Media Applauded

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Title says it all but just in case you’re not familiar with the case I’ll give you a quick summary:

2 yr old cries at diner
Less than 5 minutes later owner comes out and screams in baby’s face to shut up
Owner stands by actions
People on social media applaud and claim that’s good discipline and what the parents should have done
Owner changes story to say it was 45 minutes of screaming and she warned the parents repeatedly and screamed across the counter at the baby
Parents and most people at the diner say NOPE first story is correct
Social media still praises owner for screaming at baby

So, there you have it. Here’s the issue that is really grinding my gears, the sheer quantity of people out there stating that screaming at kids should be done, and that it is necessary for proper discipline. I’d usually say something sarcastic here but I have now lost faith in a significant proportion of society and don’t believe that they would get the point,  so I’ll skip it and be direct. Screaming at another human being does not show that you are a powerful force for discipline ad good. Screaming at another human being means that either you are a child that has not learnt to manage your emotions and communicate more effectively in other ways than tantrums OR you are an adult who has not learned how to control your own actions OR you have lost control. So how is it that by losing control and screaming like a tantruming child, except bigger and stronger, that a baby or child could possibly learn self control and discipline in response? If adults cannot model good behaviour how can we expect children to pick it up? Monkey see, monkey do. Baby see, baby do.

I am not saying that I have never had a subpar parenting moment but I sure as shit haven’t patted myself on the back afterwards and said, “Good job for losing it.” I’ve sympathised with friends who have had similarly weak moments and said, “It’s hard, we’ll get there, they’ll get there, everybody makes mistakes.” I have not said, “Good job, scream at that little fucker some more. Screaming and throwing a tatrum is exactly how we should teach our kids. Good work, your meltdown will totally teach them not to throw tantrums.”

In other words I am utterly aghast at the moment. I am horrified that I live in this world where this kind of thing is praised and called good discipline. And futher to that, people can’t even seem to comprehend that there are any other methods for instilling good values and discipline in your kids other than screaming or hitting. It terrifies me because my lovely children,  who I get complimented on their lovely behaviour by strangers from, are growing into adulthood with people being taught that yelling and screaming is good, is necessary and is the best way to control others. I’m worried because these children indoctrinated with so much aggression are going to end up killing someone and I don’t want it to be my kid. And I don’t want it to be yours.

Please restore my faith in humanity.

Garth Nix Workshop: @garthnix presents at @asauthors

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Yesterday I had the great privilege of attending a workshop run by speculative fiction juggernaut author Garth Nix through the Australian Society of Authors.  Garth Nix has been described as the James Bond of the speculative fiction author world. And for good reason. He’s  smooth, he’s witty, he is internationally successful  and, he knows his business in and out. Coupled with the fact that he rarely does workshops he truly has a reputation for being an international man of mystery.  I jumped at the chance to go, because quite frankly I’d book in to see him read the yellow pages, it’s Garth Nix. However, the question lingers, is he reclusive because he can’t teach or simply because he is so incredibly busy writing, drinking expensive spirits and fighting crime. I can now confidently tell you that it is most certainly the latter.

Garth Nix did something very rare in his workshop, he addressed the ‘Art’ of writing and gave very specific business advice. In my experience workshops tend to focus on the ‘Craft’ of writing and gloss over the other two, whereas Garth Nix divided his time evenly between the three. I’m a bit of a workshop whore so thoroughly appreciated this unique approach. If you’re a bit of an over workshopped hag like me and occasionally suffer from itsallbecomingabitsamesameitis I would thoroughly recommend watching like a hawk for any Garth Nix courses that  come up. You will not be disappointed.

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Stop rambling and just tell me what he said. Okay, I’ll give away a few takeaways from the workshop but because what you take out of a writing course is purely personal the real benefit can only be truly attained by attending them. We are all on different writing  journeys so what inspires us, what we need to learn, what makes sense to us, is all different. So please keep that in mind. It all depends… but here’s a few thing that I learned.

Books are successful because they transfer emotions. You need to put emotions into your characters that in turn transfer into the readers. As such you need to fill up your emotional reservoir.

Write what you know does not mean write an autobiography. You know so much more than your actions. You are a sum total of everything you have read, seen, heard, felt and done. In short, you know so much more than you think you do.

Keep writing. If you finish a book write another story, if you put a book aside write another one. Just keep writing.

Don’t go too wild on your first novel. Learn the craft well before you start being too experimental. A tight focus with a straightforward structure works best for beginners. No need to reinvent the wheel just for the sake of it.

Don’t just rely on grammar to construct beautiful prose. Remember rhythm and euphony.

You need to decide if you’re writing for long or short term gain. Your approach to what and how you write will be different.

I shall leave my giveaways there, I hope to see you at the next course.

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