R U OK?

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R U OK?

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Look after yourself today. Switch on your parasympathetic nervous system. Time for you to calm not shine. Bliss out with plenty of B vitamins,  zinc, magnesium,  omega 3&6, and iron. Love yourself and love your friends. Reach out and relax.

Any crae crae ladies out there looking for online shoulders to lean on, or a place to chill out and laugh, come and join my bunch of merry men https://facebook.com/groups/563402577109194

Wisdom Teeth Removal: Lament of One Allergic to Codeine

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Losing the mind game with the whole left wisdom socket pain level. Don’t be allergic to codeine because if you are nobody will prescribe you pain medication because everything without codeine that is strong is apparently so mega awesome that you’ll become an addict instantly. So much so that with a three year old and eight month old twins you’ll evidently find the time to track it down on the black market to feed your addiction once tje appropriate amount prescribed is gone??? So don’t be allergic to codeine because otherwise it’s a big stuff you, stay in pain, thus increasing your acid levels making you more susceptible to yet another bout of Pancreatitis… in other words, screw all medical professionals who assume that everyone allergic to codeine either needs to “tough it out” or are drug addicts! I hope they all get codeine allergies! So to make it clear, medical professionals,  people allergic to codeine wanting pain medication are NOT drug addicts nor superhuman freaks able to withstand infected wisdom tooth socket after a botched removal which involved heaving about so much the dentist slipped and took a massive chunk out of my mouth. I am angry! I need to take care of three kids and have been in so much pain I can’t open my left eye properly for almost a week yet I can’t be given pain relief because codeine causes Pancreatitis in me. So fuck you! Yep, that’s right,  fuck you. Enjoy prescribing pain meds for celebs who can actually take codeine and keep on denying it to people you’ve butchered and have allergies to codeine so are actually the proper people to get it.

Bah! BAH!

Sipping on camomile tea like it’s going out of style!

If anybody knows of any natural pain relief products please tell me. I’m on antibiotics and taking nurofen and panadol but for the left wisdom socket that is now infected it isn’t relieving the pain at all. Need relief whilst the antibiotics kick in been taking them for three days now. Plus the wound on the left side hasn’t sealed so any tips on that I’m happy for too. Ugh… Waaaaaaa. :-(

Book Review: Destination Cambodia by Walter Mason

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Destination Cambodia by Walter Mason, Published by Allen & Unwin

Firstly, I had to argue with a very stubborn three year old to be able to read this. She insists that it has a princess on the cover and that it is hers. I still periodically find that she has nabbed it from bookcase and placed it on her own. I am thoroughly glad that I persisted through my battles with the Dictator to read it because it was fantastic.

I’m not a massive fan of Travel Writing,  if you hand me a copy of “The Lonely Planet Guide” I’m a bit WTF is all this boring text. This book however is far from boring. It takes you through the heart warming and hysterical adventures of the writer,  Walter Mason, in Cambodia.  Through these personal stories I got a real sense of the vibrancy of Cambodia. I yearned to be merrily drunk and wanting ro belt out Cher in some dusty Karaoke Bar with Walter Mason, I wanted to smell those same beautiful fragrances and more importantly I wanted to embrace the people he met. This book actually gave me a desire to see Cambodia for its heart, not simply hopping from tourist location to location. Beautiful,  just beautiful… as was said in “Destination Cambodia’s” predecessor “Destination Saigon. “

Review also on Good Reads – https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1046867466

Book Review: The Impossible Quest – Escape From Wolfhaven Castle ~ by Kate Forsyth

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It’s an obvious comment to make but it’s true, The Impossible Quest is impossibly good.

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The Impossible Quest by Kate Forsyth, published by Scholastic, 2014

“Tell your lord to beware,” the wild man said, gripping Tom’s arm with a dirty hand. “The wolves smell danger.”

From the opening lines the reader is thrown straight into the action. Who is the wild man, how does he know what the are wolves saying, and why must Tom tell his Lord? Such action and curiosity lures the reader on and Kate Forsyth keeps the reader baited with masterful storytelling throughout the entire novel. I should know, because this reader read the whole thing in one bath sitting. I must admit I topped up the hot water a few times to keep on reading just one more chapter.

This story is meant for upper primary students, who I know would love this (my niece can be expecting her own copy for Christmas… no she can’t have mine I want to read it again!), but also adults will enjoy this. It is written in that sweeping epic style of Feist, Eddings, McCaffrey and Jordan that will keep adults happy but with the youthful exuberance of Rowling and Rodda which the kids will love. Kate Forsyth has even managed to give an elegant nod to the classics with beautifully chosen character names that are reminiscent of Arthurian legend. The Impossible Quest: Escape from Wolfhaven Castle manages to be delightfully magical, darkly adventurous, deeply passionate, with a dash of whimsy, all at the same time.

And as for the ending… I don’t want to give it away (“Spoilers Sweetie,” as the Whovians say) but it manages to be utterly enchanting, a satisfying resolution yet an absolute cliff hanger all in one. My mind is officially blown.

Kids will be sneakily reading it when you’ve dragged them to boring social functions and adult Fantasy fans will finally have that perfect sized book to read on the train. All in all a wonderfully written book and yes, I’m hanging out for the sequel.

Review now also on Good Reads https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1046853563

Confessions of a Mad Mooer: how to get that Hollywood look when you wake up

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Confessions of a Mad Mooer: how to get that Hollywood look when you wake up

Dear Hollywood,

Please see attached what people really look like first thing in the morning.

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Take careful note of the inability to find the energy to close ones mouth as a result of being woken up at 3am for the last three nights in a row by the little Princess who will not go back to sleep until 5am followed by the twins waking up at 6am. Also the hair that took a whole night of tossing and turning to create not a mere few hours of brushing and glossing like the magazines would have us think. So in short, that “first thing in the morning look” takes all night to create not hours… That doesn’t seem like a valid argument to be making… My point is… I’m tired and I would like a nap? Waaaaaa.

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No.

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No!

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Yes!!

Confessions of a Mad Mooer: The Mad Robin in the Attic #rant

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Confessions of a Mad Mooer: The Mad Robin in the Attic #rant
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Everything is awesome

I like having a bit of a write (and evidently a lot of a rant). In my adult life I’ve now written three novels, two children’s fantasy novels and most recently a memoir or a me-moi as my daughter says. Add to that the three fabulous novels I wrote in Primary School (viciously slammed by the critics, siblings can be so cruel,  but take it from me they were sensational) and I’m quite the novelist. So it surprised me somewhat when I told a friend that I’d just written a me-moi and they responded by saying, “Oh, are you still writing? I thought you’d give up now that you’d spent time in a psychiatric hospital. Wouldn’t you be unpublishable now?”

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      WHAT THE ACTUAL F!!!!

I responded with something resembling a sentence and then disengaged from the conversation as soon was politely acceptable. Clearly they’re unfamiliar with Susanna Kaysen and the now famous quote from Girl Interrupted, “Don’t point your finger at crazy people.” Obviously nothing bad happened to them, I didn’t explode or bark or start wailing or use too many ors in a sentence or forget to use commas… I just muttered something about liking writing and then retreated to the blanket fort in my head. Here’s what I should have said -

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Serious, literary, lego me

In 1979 two great things happened, I was born (shamelessly arrogant but I feel the sense of drama was required) and The Mad Woman in the Attic was first published. The Mad Woman in the Attic was possibly my favourite text that I studied in University. And you Good Sir should read it. Because not only would you lock away the “mad woman” in literature but also in society. As soon as a woman is counter to your understanding she is to be boxed up and put away. Did it not occur to you that not all who seek help are snivelling,  messy haired, violent psychopaths? That we can be productive members of society? That perhaps the locking away and stigmatising of the “mad woman” is what forces them into violent gibberhood. And so what if I am a crackpot? At least I am in good company! Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Virginia Woolf, Luanne Rice, Elizabeth Wurtzel, Suzanna Kaysen and Patricia Cornwell have all been considered raving loonies at some point. They’ve all spent time in “supportive environments whilst they recovered from exhaustion.” So when you think about it, being barking mad would pretty much be a prerequisite. If anything I should be expecting a bunch or marauding female novelists to come barging through my door at any given moment in order to clutch me to their collective bosom and shower me with literary agents’ contact details. I too am now a raving writer. I too drink tea like it’s on tap. Ich bin ein lunatic. And honestly what real writer doesn’t have a scarf, a beret and a jumbo sized pack of antidepressants on them at all times. So just go take your snivelling comment and stuff it down you fluffy, lemon, jumper.

Oh, on second thoughts, it’s probably better that I didn’t say that. Let’s face it, if I did he probably would have just said, “Yeah, that makes a lot of sense if you think about it like a crazy person.”

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Unequivocal proof of my madness, not even my kids are safe from me logoising them.

Denise Scott, Mother Bare: A Reflection Statement*

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Now when I go see a lady comedian I look for one thing,  and one thing alone, is there a lot of mention of vag. And I’m pleased to say Scotty not only delivered (oh yes, pun intended) but then gave even more. Some female comedians these days do a brief reference to the fanwah in order to tick off the stereotype but then move on to talking about other things like… I don’t know, not important things… cars or something? Not only did Scotty brush over the vajayjay she went deeper, much, much deeper.

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Yup, that’s right, Scotty went uterus deep. I don’t want to give away too much (“Spoilers Sweetie,” as the Whovians say) but her plunge into the female anatomy had one young gentleman so excited that he had to run out and Google prolapse before the show ended. He certainly looked far more satisfied when he returned so I can only imagine he found the answers he was looking forward.

I have to say that Scotty didn’t just inspire a love of learning in the runner but also in the young women in the audience. When asked what a bicornuate uterus was one young lass answered “like two,” following up with, “well, bi means two!”

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And of course it does. As an English teacher I can assure you her teacher would be proud. Very proud because knowing bi means two is one thing but knowing what cornuate (horn like) refers to is another level entirely. Have to admit I was picturing some sort of devil uterus with two horns, thank goodness I wasn’t asked because I can imagine that response would have opened up can of worms one show just couldn’t untangle.

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Cesareans,  episiotomies and bitches who get through birth with no vaginal woes also got a nod. So if you like your comedy vag focused, you’re in for a treat. I do, I’m not thinking of getting Judith Lucy’s signature on my pelvis for nothing.

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Apart from vages Scotty also told some stories of her early days doing stand up. I’m wondering if she is considering doing a “Where are they now” episode so that the rooster sucker can be heard over the voice over. “Suck my….” “Denise, do you remember this voice?” Oh my giddy aunt.

There were also some fantastic family stories that had us all rolling but again, Spoilers Sweetie. BUT I feel that I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that there are clown references and a photo is displayed at one point that is actually far creepier than the clown from Spawn. You have been warned.

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Highly recommend that you grab a ticket to one of the additional shows put on. It is seriously hilarious. Just do me a favour. Take a male with you. Preferably a male like my mate Pete who said to me, “The only thing I know about womb is it’s how you start to spell wombat and both are dirty, hairy and belong in the wild.”

* Why a reflection statement rather than a review?  Firstly, I’m not a reviewer so wouldn’t do reviewing justice. I mean I don’t even drink coffeeor smoke, which I’m told are the base level requirements. If they change the criteria to bitchy tea drinkers then I’m in. Secondly,  I’m going through my existential phase at the moment so relate everything back to my life these days. It’s been going for around 23 years now so I’m thinking I may be coming out of it soon.